Discard the Lard

500 Days of Blubber

2011-03-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

Wow. Day 500. I've lost 21 pounds all told, but I still don't look as if I've been eating too many vegetables. Perhaps because I haven't.

This lard-discarding is a tough business. I've had ups and downs. The holidays have come and gone. But I'm at a bit of a standstill. And as we all know, standing still doesn't burn too many calories.

I've been hovering right around 200 pounds for a few months now. Granted, hovering is better than gaining, but I've still got about 30 pounds to lose, and the time is NOW.

I haven't blogged in a while, and for that I apologize. I was hoping to hold off until I reached a new low weight, per the parameters that I set for myself, but although I've come close a few times, I seem to be having trouble cracking that mark. I'm honestly not worried, though. I NEED to drop 30 more pounds before my wedding, and I'm going to see that it happens.

Oh yeah - I'm getting married. If you're reading this blog, you almost certainly already know me, and therefore already know this. But if you're some random happening upon this post after doing a Google search while writing your school paper on whale fat, then... well, then you probably don't care. But FYI, whale blubber is different from other forms of adipose tissue, which allows it to serve as a thermal insulater, which makes blubber essential for thermoregulation. Credit: whales.org. Now get outta here, kid - you're bothering me.

So I'm getting married. To Erin. If you haven't met her, you should. She's the bee's knees. In fact, she's better than that - she's the bee's kneecaps. But she'll leave me at the altar if I don't lose this weight. That's a lie - she wouldn't do that. Also a lie about there being an altar.

But I need to do it for ME. There is going to be some asshole taking pictures at this thing, and I might want to look back at these pictures years from now and be able to see Erin in some of them. I also don't want to feel as guilty when I eat OUR ENTIRE WEDDING CAKE.

So I'm GOING to do this. I won't take 'no' for an answer. Do or do not - there is no 'try.' I will climb every mountain. And other inspirational catchphrases.

But I have to stop making excuses. Easter is coming, but someone else is going to have to bite the heads off all the chocolate bunnies. There are birthdays coming up, but I will be bringing a snack lunch (or snack dinner, depending on the time of the party). Point being - I have been eating for 32 years... it's time to take a break. Before they turn me into the next new exhibit at Sea World.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 500 weight: 201.1 lbs
Total loss: 21.3 lbs

Hey, Holidays. IT'S ON.

2010-11-19T17:58:00.000-08:00

All right, so it's been a couple weeks and I only have two-tenths of a pound to show for it. But here's what happened. I was kidnapped by terrorists who forced me to consume large quantities of trans fatty acids and processed beef products for days on end, and then strapped me down to a table so I couldn't exercise, even though I so dearly wanted to. Good news is I escaped, detoxified my body of said ill nutrition, and worked off the unwanted poundage. (Note: the terrorists went by the names of Laziness, Complacency and Munchies. A $100 reward is being offered for their seizure.)

The holidays are upon us, like a rabid, wild-eyed dog who's been chasing us for 15 city blocks. And that dog comes bearing gifts of chocolate and jam-filled pastries. It's ai-ight though. I'll be strong. I think. I'm about 80% sure I'll be strong. I just have to watch out for terrorists.

I'm going home in less than a month, and that won't be easy. Hopefully my mother (who is reading this post as we speak) won't be too crazy this year in terms of putting together her annual calorie spread on the kitchen counter. There's going to be deep dish pizza at some point - there's no getting around that - but maybe I can stop myself at half a pie this year. And maybe Santa will bring me liposuction infiltration tubing or a set of waist compression garments. LIKE I ASKED FOR LAST YEAR. Sheesh, Santa.

I have audition #2 at the Laugh Factory coming up on Tuesday, and then another stand-up contest in Burbank on the 28th. According to my personal timeline, I should be appearing on Conan some time in January, will be shooting my HBO special in early February, and then will be hosting the Oscars later that month. Wait, hold on - I forgot I'm planning a trip to Laughlin in early February. Better push the HBO special back to March.

No auditions in a while, even though I'm submitting myself every day. Unfortunately, most of the postings seem to be looking for someone who's in great shape, someone who's morbidly obese, or someone who's under 4'6". Seriously. If you're a little person and looking to kick-start your acting career, this is the place to be. There's a huge call for your kind at the moment.

Okay, this has been enough weird for one day.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 393 weight: 199.1 lbs
Total loss: 23.3 lbs

Tenth of a Ton

2010-11-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gents, it took me just over a year to get here, but here I am at last: under 200 pounds for the first time in about 3 years!

I dropped my 23rd pound yesterday, after having a rough spot around the Halloween season. There were Lofthouse cookies and chocolate-covered pretzel candies and more - I did indeed put a few pounds back on, but I jumped right back on the horse (who groaned under the weight) and turned things around in a hurry!

I also watched the documentary Food, Inc. two nights ago. I strongly recommend this film to anyone looking to lose weight by NEVER EATING AGAIN. In all seriousness, it's one of those movies that really makes you look at things in a new light. I've been trying to make the move over to more organic and unprocessed foods for the past several months, but now I think I'm going to step it up even more. Fewer exceptions, less cheating. Delicious food, delicious though it may be, is just plain GROSS. Gross, scary and unsafe. And let's be honest here - the food we shouldn't be eating IS more delicious than its healthier counterparts (you're seriously deluding yourself if you think otherwise). The former is genetically engineered to be so. However, we shouldn't choose a certain path simply because it's more immedately gratifying. It's easier and more comfortable to remain seated on the couch than to get up and start moving, but we feel guilty when we bum around and there's a good reason for that. And as we also all know, it is highly inadvisable to follow many of our natural impulses - things that seem like they would be a good time but may have dire consequences, such as engaging in polygamous relationships, smoking drugs, and murder.

Anyway, feeling good, and even more cofident that the pounds will continue to come off. Only 199 more pounds to go before I'm invisible!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 377 weight: 199.3 lbs
Total loss: 23.1 lbs

Year One

2010-10-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. Since starting this blog exactly one year ago today, I am now officially hot and sexy.

Well, okay - hot, at least. In fact, I'm gonna turn on the air.

All right, so I still have a ways to go. I've made some great strides in many areas, and have a lot of work left to do in others. I was hoping to hit the 200 pound mark this morning, because the poetry of that would have been MIND-BLOWING, but I've had a rough few days, and have been sick since yesterday, so the working out has kind of taken a back seat to sneezing out all of my brain fluid. I'm confident I'll hit it soon, however, and boy oh boy just wait until you see the crazy-ass party I throw when THAT happens. Hint: there will be cupcakes.

Still, I'm 20 or so pounds lighter than when I started writing this, and while it's not as much as I had hoped, it IS substantial progress, and I'm finally moving steadily in the right direction without too much yo-yoing. And I'm getting stuck in far fewer revolving doors.

I have a lot of things in place that I didn't a year ago; the stand-up is taking off more than anything else, which I wouldn't have predicted. I also now have an agent and have had a couple of auditions recently, so maybe the acting side of things is about to experience a surge as well. However, I've been especially frustrated in the past few days - I heard back from both of the literary agents who had requested to read my manuscript, both of whom have decided to pass. I was just put on the availability list for a regional commercial and should hear soon - it would be awesome if I snagged that, but until I hear back, I still haven't booked a paying gig since I started submitting (granted, I have only been on 3 auditions, but that in itself is a bit aggravating). And, other than the money I won from the stand-up contest a couple months ago, I still haven't made ANY money following ANY of my pursuits since I began. That ain't good. I'm going to need to start turning that around REAL soon. If any of you have heard of any places to go where I might find a briefcase of money lying around, or one of those burlap sacks with the big dollar sign on it, please advise.

Anyway, I'm encouraged but presently a bit annoyed by my situation. I'm trying to concentrate on the positives, but the half-jew in me is continually looking for ways to focus on the negatives. I might also be putting a more upbeat spin on things if I wasn't currently swimming in a sea of used facial tissues.

Of course, if I had already accomplished all of my goals, there would be nothing left to write about! So there's the good news, my loyal reader. You get to keep being subjected to more of THIS.

The Human Body is Quite the Puzzle

2010-10-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Field Day. Sure, there was a bit of running around, but in the course of a single afternoon I downed a burger, a hot dog, a heaping spoonful of potato salad, a plethora of potato chips (yes, I know how much is a plethora), and a few sodas. It was basically a complete collapse. I have also not worked out for the past few days (I threw my neck out at an audition on Wednesday).

New low weight this morning. Go figure.

Who knows how that happened, but I'm at peace with it. Worked out this morning, have been eating healthy again, and am ready to pass the big 200.

I have now lost over 20 pounds! True, I'm averaging one pound lost every 17 days, but the way I figure, if I HADN'T been trying to lose weight in the past year, I probably would have PUT ON about 20. So in truth, this is roughly a 40-pound swing. And THAT, I feel, is pretty impressive.

Had a stand-up show last night, and have another tonight. Also got re-booked for the gig at Beso, Eva Longoria's restaurant, next Wednesday the 27th. My schedule is really filling up. I feel like Celine Dion. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

I don't know what that means. Please disregard.

I've been writing more stand-up material lately. It's amazing, however, how you can write what feels like enough to fill three HBO comedy specials, and then you practice it in the mirror and you're through it before you've had a chance to finish your Twix bar. (That's a joke. I've never eaten a Twix bar.) Going to be trying a little bit of my new stuff tonight. I'm probably going to fuck it up. But that's just the optimist in me talking. You know what, forget it. Take out the 'probably.'

No response yet from the two literary agents who are looking over my manuscript. It's probably just taking them a while because they're trying to think of a way to break it to me that they're offering me a five-book deal and six-figure advance.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 361 weight: 201.3 lbs
Total loss: 21.1 lbs

The Pizza, Cupcake and Beer Diet

2010-10-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

Not sure how this happened, folks, but I had one mini-pizza (it was like Bagel Bite size), a cupcake and half a beer last night, and I somehow dropped a pound since yesterday morning. I'm hoping that some minion of the devil has possessed my earthly vessel and is gorging itself on my internals to feed its insatiable blood-lust. That would explain the pleasantly surprising number on the scale this morning, and would also bode well for continued weight loss!

Well, hold on now... maybe my idea of pigging out these days isn't quite like my idea of pigging out in days of yore. I used to be able to put away a whole pizza (we ain't talkin' Bagel Bites any longer) in one sitting, and then top it off with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Then, I would be depressed the next day at my lack of self-control, and would attempt to eat my way out of my sadness at the Costco food court. And as we all know, there is simply nothing more depressing that THAT.

But you know what? A few little nasty snacks and less than a full beer at a party? I ate well the rest of the day, and worked out for an hour and a half this morning. That's what I'm learning more and more - as long as you don't COMPLETELY let go in those tricky situations, there's no need to buy a one-way ticket to Fatsville. Not to mention that property values there have plummeted recently. Nah... for my money, I'd much rather save up and make a more intelligent investment in one of the sprawling estates of Slender Heights.

All right, I let that metaphor a little loose and it got out of control. I admit it.

Am going to a screening tonight with a wine reception to follow, which means there will likely be wine there, as well as quite possibly some cheese and cracker-type comestibles. I'm going to need to make an especial effort to cool it with the goodies, as I don't want to press my luck. Besides, I don't want to overfeed my demon. He has enough to munch on in there.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 355 weight: 202.6 lbs
Total loss: 19.8 lbs

I Ate an Entire Pizza

2010-10-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

...in my dream last night. It was really delicious, as I recall. Then I woke up and ate a banana. Yay, reality.

I actually haven't been too stellar eating-wise the past few days. Nothing God-awful, but more bread and dairy than I've been shooting for. However, because I've become really obsessed lately with this losing weight and getting in shape business, I literally worked my ass off (there, look - there's my ass, sitting there on the floor, right where I worked it off) this week. An hour and a half each of the past three days, and it's resulted in a new low weight. Only 6/10 of a pound to go before I've lost an even 20!

Hey, I signed with my new commercial agent yesterday! So it's official. Hopefully, I will be the new face of Tampax.

The kittens are doing well, even if they did rip open one of their toy mice and spill its guts all over the bed. I guess I need to blame the toy mouse manufacturer for that one. Dude - cats chew on these things. Maybe make 'em a little harder to get into. Come on, man.

Have an audition on Saturday for a sci-fi pilot, and then I'm trying out at the Laugh Factory on Tuesday. I have to get through two rounds of tryouts before I could be considered to be a regular there, but at least I'm on the path. There were some very unfunny people in line with me the other day while I was waiting to sign up. That can't be a bad sign.

Still waiting to hear from the two literary agents who requested to see my book. Although no news is good news, I guess. Wait - that's not right. Those sons of bitches need to get on the horn right now and offer me a deal. I'm not going to be this young and pretty forever.

In other news, my friend Jen Curran is in town this week and will be performing with her tremendously talented Harvard Sailing Team at the UCB Theatre in Los Angeles on Tuesday night at 11pm. If you're in the LA area, I urge you to check it out. But please don't get ahead of me in line. I need to see it more than you do.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 353 weight: 203.0 lbs
Total loss: 19.4 lbs

KITTIES!!!

2010-10-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right - Erin and I are now fostering two 8-week-old kittens. They're pretty cute, when they're not keeping us up all night or stinking up the place. Orion is the sweet one, Toby is the funny one with deep, emotional issues.

Amazingly, I have now gotten three auditions through Actor's Access in the past week, after having submitted constantly for about two months with no resuts. When it rains, it pours. Or, to use a more L.A.-appropriate metaphor, when it rains, it drizzles for about two and a half minutes and then stops.

So... really don't feel like writing a long post today, y'all. Just fulfilling my obligation of writing each time I reach a new low weight. Hey - LAY OFF ME. I got no sleep last night (I had a kitten relentlessly suckling my chin from 2 am to about 5) and there's football on today. Besides, I have to concentrate all my time and effort right now on not ordering a pizza.

It's one of those days.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 349 weight: 204.4 lbs
Total loss: 18.0 lbs

Landing an Agent vs. Landing a Plane

2010-10-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

I got myself an agent!

I was referred to her by my good friend Jeff (we're even BETTER friends now!), and she emailed me shortly after I left her office to let me know she'd like to represent me! So... good bye, San Fernando Valley - hello, Hollywood!

By the way, for those of you who don't know, landing an agent out here is exceptionally difficult (unless you're one of those freaks who lucks into something right away, is related to someone, or performed explicit acts in exchange for accelerated career advancement). It really is more about networking and attending workshops and more than a little bit about luck than it is about sending out mailings, auditioning like crazy or performing other types of due diligence. However, you do MAKE your own luck, certainly, and I've been doing a good deal of that lately.

IS landing an agent more difficult than landing a plane? Well, here are some things to consider:

If you screw up while piloting a plane, there could be hundreds of fatalities, but if you screw up in an agent audition, there is the potential of only a single death
When landing a plane, everyone on board is rooting for you to do a good job, but all agents hate you, want you to do poorly, and more likely than not have a voodoo doll of you in their top drawer and are eagerly waiting for you to leave their office so they can use it
Planes aren't all up in your face about joining SAG
You can book both a 'part' and a 'flight.' That's neither here nor there, but isn't that interesting?
One scary scenario that can occur while trying to land a plane is that you suffer landing gear failure. A scary scenario that can occur while trying to land an agent is that you can forget to take one of their business cards.

Hm. Toss-up. I'll throw it out there on the CNN message board and see if I can get a consensus.

Anyway, down to a new low weight (thank you, thank you), and that's only 2 days after gorging myself on bread, pasta and gooey chocolate cakiness at the Olive Garden. I just buckled down immediately afterward, worked out extra long the 2 days following, and got back to a healthy eating routine (although I did polish off my leftovers, ya better believe).

Had an audition today - it was meh. Rocked the cold read, not so much on the improv. I just can't think on my feet. Not with cameras rolling and people watching coldly, expecting me to be spontaneously funny. I was thinking about that on my way home - I think I'm a funny guy, but I pretty much only pipe up when something humorous comes to me, or I'll only write a joke or sketch when something occurs to me. I'm not good at forcing it. I'm like a camel. Push me too far or ask me to walk longer than I feel like, and I'm going to spit at you.

I have another audition in a week - hopefully I can snag one of the two. I need me some moolah. (By the way, I have a PayPal account and am currently accepting donations)

Oh, and I may have to be without my laptop for 2 weeks. Yeah. Because computers are stupid. And because Best Buy is a butthole. That's right. I said it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 347 weight: 205.5 lbs
Total loss: 16.9 lbs

If You Liked "Inception" You'll LOVE "The Perception Plays"!

2010-09-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

I don't really know if that's true, actually. In fact, the only thing the two may have in common is the "ception" part of their titles. Regardless, a couple of my friends (who are awesome) are in it, and I'm going, so you should, too!

Anyway, don't get excited - I haven't lost any more weight. I'm just writing today to plug this show. As you may know, I also write a weekly blog for http://www.escapehatcher.com/ - well, the mother hatcher of them all, Susan Baker, is in this show! So check it out, then go check out Escape Hatcher, then send us each a big bag of money. Further instructions to follow.

Here - read this blurb:

The Link Theatre presents The Perception Plays, written by Chad Baker, Directed by Elizabeth Hoye and Starring Susan M. Baker, Stephanie Geyer, Bechir Sylvain, Austin Hebert & Susan Papa. Thursdays & Fridays in October 10/7-10/29, 8pm. Sidewalk Studio Theatre, 4150 Riverside Dr., Toluca Lake, CA (next to Priscilla's Coffee). Prices are $12 in advance (by visiting http://theperceptionplays.eventbrite.com/), $15 at the door (cash, check & cc accepted), $10 group rates (special arrangement by calling 740-954-0167). For more info: http://theperceptionplays.com/.

Okay, that's it. Get your ass there.

A Third Conversation With Food

2010-09-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

Me: You got a second?
Food: Oh, Jesus. Are we really going to do this again?
Me: Look - I know you're probably upset. For the past month or two, our relationship has been a little... tame.
Food: Tame? Is that what it is?
Me: Please don't do that thing where you turn everything into a question. I want you to take this seriously.
Food: Oh. Sorry this conversation isn't going exactly according to your plan. Food-hater.
Me: I don't... I don't hate you. I still love you. I still really love you. Sometimes, when I think about some of the things I want to do to you...
Food: Spare me.
Me: The fact is that I like where things are right now. It feels good. Right. Wholesome.
Food: Oh, please. You had a salad for dinner last night. A salad. Are you going to pretend you're not in serious denial?
Me: It was a good salad.
Food: "It was a good salad."
Me: Don't mock me. That's childish and uncalled for.
Food: Well, I don't know what you want from me. I've always made myself very available to you. Now it seems that's no good.
Me: We can still... fool around once in a while. But isn't it okay if, for the most... we can just be friends?
(Silence)
Food: You did not just give me that line.
Me: I don't think you're being--
Food: Eat me.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 344 weight: 206.2 lbs
Total loss: 16.2 lbs

Falling Down

2010-09-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not going on a sociopathic killing rampage. It's my pants! My pants are falling down! Hallelujah!

I've lost another pound and a half since my last post - just FOUR days ago, mind you - and I'm feeling good. Steadily approaching the big 200 milestone, at which point I will treat myself to something DELICIOUS as a reward. However, I will immediately afterward retire to the bathroom and vomit it up. Yay - I get to taste it twice! Relax, relax. I'll keep it down.

Anyway, have been keeping up with the healthy eating, and it hasn't even been all that hard. I think I finally got over "the hump." I was even pumped about getting a salad the other night. Granted, it had chunks of fried chicken in it, which is something I have been doing my best to avoid, but still. There were leaves in it and shit.

Have also kept up with the daily exercise, including tennis today in 90 degree weather (which on the adjusted native Chicagoan scale is around 104). I suffered two strokes, but sweated off some weightage, so it all balances out.

In other news, my music video parody "Never Gonna Pick You Up (Dick Rolled)" is featured on the Funny or Die homepage today! Check it out! www.funnyordie.com

I also may have an opportunity to audition for a commercial agent soon - a friend of mine (thanks again, Jeff!) hooked me up with his agent, who has already viewed a couple video clips and seems to be at least mildly interested! I mailed her my headshot and resume a couple days ago... we shall see what we shall see...

Have almost finished sending submissions for Gateway to Agartha to every literary agent listed in the Writer's Market. Have only heard back from about a quarter of them thus far, so there's still plenty of hope. Once that's done I'll submit directly to publishers, then if that fails I'll try to attend a writer's conference or two, then I'll try my hand at stalking, with my last resort being the kidnapping and holding for ransom of someone's children. I might make so much on the kidnapping that I won't even need an advance on the book!

Gonna work on writing some new stand-up material today. I have a couple topics in mind - going to extend my "kitten" routine, because why the hell not, and also going to write a bit about how passive-aggressive the Wii Fit is. Yeah, Wii Fit. Sorry, I missed a day. Why don't you RUB IT IN.

By the way, going to Olive Garden on Wednesday for Mary's birthday. You can be darn tootin' I'm going to be extra good this week, so I can let myself go a little while we're there. Three words for you: TOUR OF ITALY.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 340 weight: 206.4 lbs
Total loss: 16.0 lbs

I'm Baa-aack...

2010-09-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

FACT. It has been nearly 4 months since my last post.

FACT. For the first time since then, I have finally reached a new low weight on the path to no longer being a fatass.

FACT. I am eating better than I ever have and am exercising almost every day, and plan on keeping up this blog more consistently going forward.

FACT. I am out of vital facts, but am worried that the first paragraph that does not start out this way will be reduced in impact.

Ah, well. Just a risk I'm going to have to take, I guess.

Anyway... how ya been? Miss me? When last we spoke, I was depressed and frustrated and couldn't lose a pound to save my life. SERIOUSLY. You could have threatened me at knifepoint, and I still would have snacked on some cookies.

I swore that I would henceforth only write a post for this blog each time I reached a new low weight. Therefore, I would not be constantly reminded when writing this that I was failing to accomplish my goals, and instead would only be encouraged and spurred on by each actual, tangible success that would be achieved.

It sure took a helluva long time, but I am finally there. I popped my weight back up to about 217 pounds before finally getting on the right track, and I am now down almost 15 pounds overall! Not so good when you consider that it has taken me nearly a year to get there, but I am confident that I am finally on the road to thinness, and am determined that I will be able to fit inside narrow crawl spaces within a year.

So let me catch you up on some shit.

My new diet - and when I say that, I don't mean a crash diet, I mean my new, hopefully long-term way of eating and viewing food - consists of eating FAR less bread, dairy and red meat. I am not cutting anything out completely (because I know me), allowing myself the occasional cheat item, but I am now sticking mainly to fresh-cooked chicken, turkey and fish, fruits and veggies, nuts and beans. Tea has replaced coffee, frozen fruit bars have replaced ice cream (for the most part). In addition to shedding the pounds, I am also feeling healthier and more energetic, and my neck and shoulders even feel better, now that I am eating fewer inflammatory food products.

Speaking of which, I have also started doing acupuncture! I believe I touched on the subject in a couple of my prior posts, and probably demonstrated a serious degree of trepidation. I'm not a fan of needles, not even when they're just laying there on the table, being needles, let alone when they're driven into my body by some sadist who leaves me there for dead. Turns out that's not what it's like. My acupuncurist is actually quite nice and has murdered very few of her patients, and the needles don't really hurt all that much. In fact, now that I think about it, I've never actually SEEN her insert these needles into my back. For all I know, she's just tapping my neck with her fingernails and running out into the hallway to laugh about it with her other voodoo medicine cronies. SHIT. I have to ask for my money back.

I have also been getting some form of exercise nearly every day for the past few weeks. Most days it's 30 minutes to an hour on the Wii Fit, but I am also playing tennis 1-2 times a week and going for occasional power-walks. I thought about giving P90X a try, but then remembered that I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

So that's pretty much it on the losing weight front. Things have been going very well on the career front - at least as well as they can be going without still having a regular source of income.

Surprisingly (to me, anyway) the thing that has really taken off is my stand-up. I always wanted to try it but was scared shitless for about the first seven years I lived here; now that I have finally given it a go, I'm glad I did. I beat out about 70 other aspiring comics in the Ha Ha Cafe's Fresh Faces contest, and have since gotten additional gigs there, as well as one at Beso, Eva Longoria's restaurant (this one has been postponed, but should still happen). In the next few weeks, I am going to be trying my luck at both the Pasadena Ice House and the Laugh Factory. I have probably about 45 minutes of material now, over 20 minutes of which is arguably funny.

After completing my last novel, I also wrote a screenplay (which, incredibly, I wrote in a week and a half). I have been revising both, and sending daily submissions. No bites yet on either, but some promising feedback. I am currently also working on a few short stories to be submitted to short story contests and literary magazines.

Things have been rough on the acting side of things. Have been submitting almost daily through Actor's Access, and still not a single audition. Aside from doing a single day of riveting, challenging background work on CSI: New York, I haven't had much of a chance to stretch my acting muscles in quite a while. All I can do is keep at it.

There are other things still in the works, like the development of my personal website and my steadily growing aluminum foil ball (I shall defeat you, Pee Wee!), but just trying to do whatever I can to maintain some sense of balance. I'm making progress though, and I can't complain.

Well I CAN, but I won't.

Actually, I probably will. Stay tuned.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 336 weight: 207.9 lbs
Total loss: 14.5 lbs

I'm Going to Try Something

2010-05-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, let's be honest. This blog isn't working. The idea when I started out was that I might lose weight easier if I made myself accountable by writing regularly in a public forum. Worked for a few weeks. For the past 6 months, all it's been is a semi-routine reminder of my various shortcomings/failures in the weight loss department. And that doesn't do wonders for lighting a fire under my (larger than ideal) ass.

So Plan B: I am going to continue to write in this blog, but ONLY each time I hit a new low weight. I've been doing pretty well the last week or so, and am back under 211 pounds, so all's not terrible (and at least all of the weddings are behind me), but I'm hoping that this new strategy will do a better job of inspiring and motivating me, as this way I might be able to fool myself into thinking that I know what the hell I'm doing.

So, obviously, I won't be posting to this blog as frequently, but it's not like I've been exactly on the ball with it lately anyway. Hopefully every week or two I'll hit a new low, and each of my reports will be filled with joyous optimism and the utmost confidence, instead of the usual griping, excuses and humorous deflection. Doesn't that sound nice?

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 219: 210.8 lbs
Total loss: 11.6 lbs

Cheese Wheel of Fortune

2010-05-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

I just ate two fortune cookies. The first one said, "Adversity is the first path to truth." The second one said, "You should have stopped after the first cookie."

Day 200. Sad. Hopefully someday I will figure out what I'm doing wrong, and will learn how to lose more than 12 pounds in a year. I mean, of course I know what I'm doing wrong. I'm not going to the gym enough, I'm still eating crap on a regular basis, etc. But maybe I'll figure out why I can't seem to keep up with those things, while my friends Jim and Jennifer have lost a whole person. And kept him off.

Erin just got a new kitten, and it's the darned cutest thing you ever did see. It had its first vet visit today, and it weighs one pound. ONE POUND. I thought the only things that came in one pound were ground beef and macademia nuts. I wish I weighed one pound. Life would be so much simpler. I wouldn't have to worry about breaking chairs when I sat in them. I would only have to buy one seat on an airplane. I wouldn't get kicked out of an elevator when there are already two people inside. People would stop putting "Makes wide right turns" signs on my back when I'm not looking.

Last week was a little discouraging, which is the main reason I didn't write in this blog. I did everything I was supposed to - I ate well (after my first ever Whole Foods shopping trip) and either went to the gym or played tennis five out of seven days. And gained a pound. Sucks. The ship has righted itself a bit in the last week, so that takes some of the sting out of it. But still - I should have lost about 27 pounds last week. If life was fair, I mean.

This weekend will be the last of the weddings. As much as I love love and happiness and joyful merriment and all that, it will be nice to no longer be in the world of free hors d'oeuvres and open bars. I know that I don't need to eat stuff just because it's available, but... it's so AVAILABLE. If it were a Hollywood celebrity, it would be Britney Spears - it's mostly biochemically engineered and will fill your body with toxins, but it's there for the taking, so why not?

lkfdll llzlkdfhhfhddfdddddddddddddd

The kitten just wrote that. Word.

Starting weight 222.4 lbs
Day 200 weight: 211.1 lbs
Total loss: 11.3 lbs

I Need to Eat More Phish Food If I Don't Want To Be a Chunky Monkey

2010-04-26T17:33:00.001-07:00

Yes - ice cream is still on my mind.

Tomorrow will be the last poker game I host at my apartment for a while. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. The break will be nice, and it will allow me to concentrate on some of the things that are more important, like going to the racetrack and calling my bookie to place bets on sporting events.

That was a joke, of course. And I don't really have a bookie. And even if I did, I wouldn't publish the fact in a public forum that both my mother and girlfriend frequent.

No - it will give me an extra evening every week to work on my writing, to do stand-up or to go on auditions. I won't have to sleep in on Wednesday mornings, so I can get more done then, too. All in all a good thing. Except for the money I won't be winning.

Tonight the ol' Side Work gang is getting back together. Going forward, the group is likely going to be more of an artistic support group, at which each of us has a chance to find out what everyone else is up to, and lend our advice and encouragement. Certainly many of us will continue to work on projects together, however, and we are also probably going to open the group up to others. Friends of friends only though, please. Randoms need not apply.

I need to fix my bedtime. True, I don't have any specific time I need to be up in the mornings, but when I'm up until 2:00 and then up at 10:00 or 11:00, I don't go to the gym because then I feel like I'm spending the whole day not getting anything done. I'm much more likely to go work out when I can be up at a reasonable hour. Like 9:45.

Oh, and I've started getting some responses on my book and they're super-positive! It's really motivating me to get those query letters written and start submitting... should be getting them out there this week! WOOT!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs.
Day 185 weight: 212.1 lbs.
Total loss: 10.3 lbs.

Dear Ice Cream, I Hate You

2010-04-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm trying to tell myself, anyways.

We all have our greatest trap - ice cream is mine. I probably love Chicago deep dish pizza more, but you can't get that so much in the San Fernando Valley.

I think about ice cream at least a few times a day. Sad, but true. I fantasize about it when I pass a grocery store or Coldstone Creamery, I crave it when it's even the slightest bit warm outside, my heart beats faster when I hear the siren-like song of an ice cream truck. I'm stuck in a truly Pavolvian nightmare.

But I have to fight it. Because if I allow myself a little, I won't stop there. I am trying to stock my fridge with tolerable substitutes - fruit bars, popsicles, light sorbet. But even in these I overindulge. It's a constant battle, and so far it's been a losing one, but I haven't given up the fight.

Maybe I need to picture the head of someone I hate atop every ice cream cone. Maybe I need to hit myself in the face every time I take a bite, so that it gives it a negative association. I don't know what the answer is. Maybe there isn't one. Sometimes I feel as if ice cream is far too powerful for me to even attempt to combat. It is my Goliath. My delicious, creamy Goliath.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 179 weight: 212.8 lbs
Total loss: 9.6 lbs

Things Are Going to Start Happening to Me NOW!

2010-04-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Those of you who recognize that quote get extra points.

Been eating better, even if I haven't been working out much. God knows how much I weighed during that period where I was too afraid to look at the scale, but it could be worse. I'm about 30 pounds shy of where I wanted to be by now, but that's all right. Rome didn't get back in shape in a day.

I'm through the first revision of my book and have registered it with the U.S. Copyright Office. I have blasted a copy to many of my friends and family for their feedback, and have begun writing the synopsis and query letters so that I can start submitting soon. Fingers crossed!

I have also now prepared dramatic and comedic monologues (even though I may never be called upon in an audition to perform them), so I now feel ready to get back into auditioning again. I'm getting my headshot and resume up on Actor's Access tomorrow, and will start browsing audition notices on Backstage.

I've written some more stand-up material, and will try it out once I get back from Erin's cousin's wedding, where I will be this weekend. Oh, that reminds me - I need to buy a suit. A fat suit. Well - a suit for a fat man, anyway.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 172 weight: 213.2 lbs
Total loss: 9.2 lbs

I'm Somebody's Hero

2010-03-30T13:05:00.001-07:00

Yes, it has been two weeks since my last post.

Yes, I have been God-awful about eating well and working out. And writing in my blog.

Yes, I need to get my nose back to that grindstone and turn things around in a big way.

But you know what? It's okay. Because I'm somebody's hero. Sometimes it takes just a little thing to put your life into perspective.

Two weeks ago, I had some family come into town. I showed them around, i.e. ate EVERYWHERE and EVERYTHING. Then my brother and I road-tripped across the country. My blood was temporarily 83% jerky. And for the past week I've been staying with family. Despite the occasional somewhat healthy meal, it's been a pretty steady stream of pizza, breads, snacks and sweets.

It's all my fault, of course. I urged my mother to keep things healthy while I was here, but she has other people to accommodate, and in the end it simply comes down to my own will power, which has turned out to be quite powerless. Things will be easier once I am back home and am more in charge of what's in my kitchen, and I have newly resolved to take a serious crack at the gym.

But in the meantime, other things seem more important.

My ten-year-old brother, who is a frightening combination of all of the better aspects of me and my siblings, read to me something he wrote for school. He had received an assignment to talk about his hero. Wouldn't you know it - it was me!

I know it may be a tad cliche for a young boy to look up to his older brother as his hero, but still - that he looks at me in that way might be one of my proudest accomplishments. Since I've been home I've been reading my book to him (for those of you who don't know, it was inspired by and written for and about him) and the excited look in his eye, the rapt attention, the frequent remarks such as "cool" or "awesome" - I can't explain how much it warms the cockles of my heart. My cockles have never been this warm.

So as much as I'm going to get back into the swing of things, eating more protein and getting that ol' heart rate up, it's important also to remind myself once in a while that I'm not a total mess. As long as I'm somebody's hero, I must be doing something right.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 158 weight: 172 lbs. Sure, why not.
Total loss: Oh, I'll bet you've fudged the truth yourself from time to time.

There's a Monster in My Bathroom

2010-03-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

Be very quiet. Don't make any sudden movements. There's a monster in there in the shape of a scale. I'm not going to go in there. You can't make me. God knows what it would do to me if I did.

Okay, so yeah, I'm a little leery of the scale right now. I haven't eaten great in the past week, and now I have guests in town, and then I'm going to be on a road trip, and then I'm going to be back home. None of this bodes well.

Not that I'm throwing all caution to the wind. I'm still trying to make smart choices here and there when I'm able, and I'm certainly not letting myself go or anything. But my brother and I are destined to eat some fast food on our way back to the midwest. And I am destined to eat some deep dish pizza when I get there. That's just the way of the world.

So I might not post any actual numbers until after I get back from my trip. And maybe not even then. Come to think of it, numbers are overrated. They get too much press. Shouldn't it be less about the actual numbers, and more about how healthy I feel inside?

Oh wait - that doesn't work either. I feel like a cow.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 144 weight: Shhhhhh
Total loss: You're going to wake it up

Todd Kreisman and the Temptations

2010-03-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't joined a doo-wop R&B fusion vocal group. I'm just annoyed by all of the temptations out there.

I feel like I would be doing so much better at this weight loss thing if the rest of the world was on the same page with me. But I go to an industry panel discussion, and there is free pizza. FREE! PIZZA! What part of that can a person not like? And I go to a party, and there are chips and beer and cheese and crackers. And I go to an Oscar party and there are all kinds of meats packed into all kinds of bready casings. WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO FAIL, WORLD???

Sometimes I'm better at resisting the urges than at others. When I'm stressed, forget about it. I realize that I eventually have to figure out how to follow the rules even when I've lost a game or have been stuck in traffic. But it doesn't help that there's always a Taco Bell nearby to ease my pain.

I'm still sticking to many of the things that have been helping me experience some degree of success, but I do need to cut out some of the excess. My problem is that I forget too often. I will quite literally put something in my mouth, swallow and digest it and then think, "Oh yeah - I'm trying to lose weight." Old habits die hard. Especially when those habits are delicious.

I hit 300 pages in my novel yesterday - should finish it up in the next week. If I can manage to sell that, I'll be able to afford a personal trainer who can force me to go the gym and slap the back of my hand every time it reaches for a thin mint.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 136 weight: 210.3 lbs
Total loss: 12.1 lbs

My New Pants

2010-03-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

... are a size 34. As opposed to 36. 34 is still enormous, and you could probably fit 2-3 normal-sized people inside them, but at least it's a start.

I'm getting a little tired of eggs. I'm trying to get some protein in my body every morning, but I think I may need to start finding new ways to make that happen. I love eggs, but... SERIOUSLY. Enough with the eggs already.

I'm on pace to finish my novel in the next three weeks. Which is good, because I'm going to be driving cross-country with my brother at the end of this month, and it will be nice to have it finished before I leave. It's good, I think. I'm excited to hear what people think of it. I have some confidence that it will sell. And I never have that.

I started going to a writer's workshop, have now done my stand-up a couple of times, am getting headshot reproductions tomorrow... so yeah, I'm getting stuff done, little by little. May it all lead to some sort of income. I may not have to rob a liquor store after all.

ALSO, not that you care, but I had the first of eight games of my World Series of Poker satellite series last week and finished second, racking up 140 points! I'm in good shape so far - wish me continued luck for tonight...

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 130 weight: 209.2 lbs
Total loss: 13.2 lbs

My Theory of Relativity

2010-02-24T18:31:00.000-08:00

Let's look at where we're at, shall we?

I have lost about 13 pounds in 124 days. That's about 1 pound every 10 days. That's not real great.

BUT, all things are relative, I say. I'm in a lot better shape, for example, than someone who has lost 30 pounds and then gained back 17 of it. I'm still going in the right direction, and I haven't succumbed to one of those yo-yo diets. Instead I'm eating good, healthy food (for the most part) and am feeling like I could really make these some never-ending changes in my life.

Plus, I don't really look at it like 13 pounds. It's more like 25. Because, at the rate I was going, I probably would have weighed about 234 pounds right now if I hadn't taken action. So that makes me feel a little better.

Anyway, I've been better since that pizza episode. Although I did eat some unnecessary carbs today.

In other news, I'm going to go do stand-up again tonight - hopefully I'll feel slightly less nervous than the last time, although this time it will be in front of more people. I still eagerly await my first heckler. That's going to be an adventure.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 124 weight: 209.5 lbs
Total loss: 12.9 lbs

Apparently, I WANT to Be Fat

2010-02-21T13:50:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I got on the scale and saw that I'd gotten down under 210 lbs! And what did I do? Had pizza and freakin' Cinna Stix for dinner. Why was I so self-destructive? Wasn't I supposed to be encouraged by the good news and feel inspired to keep it up? Isn't it supposed to work that way?

Who knows. It would take a team of therapists to sort out my issues. A team of therapists who are willing to work pro bono.

Well, I'm eating an apple right now, so whatever.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 121 weight: 209.7 lbs (plus whatever I gained yesterday)
Total loss: 12.7 lbs (minus whatever I gained yesterday)

Will the Real Todd Kreisman Please Stand-Up?

2010-02-18T15:15:00.001-08:00

I did, I did!

Last night, for the first time ever (if you don't count my performance in Side Work, which I don't, for the purposes of this post), I performed my stand-up act. Live. In front of people. At an actual place. With walls and a door. That served coffee. Regular or decaf. Or lattes.

For an open mic, the level of talent was actually impressive. 95% of the people performing at an open mic are supposed to suck, and last night that number was actually a lot closer to 38%. Which made it tougher for me to look great or stand out, but also encouraged me to bring my A game.

It went very well. I didn't 'f' up any lines, I didn't have to refer to my cheat sheet, I didn't pee myself, and my fan club told me that I looked very polished and natural, and that no one would have ever guessed that it was my first time. So yay me! The plan now is to keep performing every so often at this place, so that I can get to know some of the other comics and keep fine-tuning my material and introducing new stuff, and also start trying out some other local places, to keep me on my toes. But I am no longer a stand-up virgin. It was starting to feel for a while there like one of those dreams I was never going to realize. If nothing else, at least I can check one more potential regret off the list.

I'm still sailing through my novel, and should have it completed (the first draft, anyway) by the time I go back to Chicago in about a month. Which means that I'll be able to sit down with my little brother (for whom I am writing it) and read the whole thing to him, start to finish. I'm excited about that.

Oh, and I'm going to the gym today, dammit.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 118 weight: 210.8 lbs
Total loss: 11.6 lbs

I Have No Idea How Much I Weigh

2010-02-14T23:25:00.000-08:00

Haven't done the old weigh in for a few days, so who knows. I'll tell you one thing - I'm fatter than 99.9% of these Olympians. I might be in better shape than one or two of the curlers, I'm not sure. You don't have to be in that great of shape to let go of a rock.

Not that I'm disrespecting curling. Are you kidding? Best sport in the Olympics. When I'm rich and famous, my house will have three things - library, poker room, curling rink. The Clue version of my life will be AMAZING.

I've been writing the shit out of my book lately. I think I'm over that hump, where I get stuck or don't know where the story is going next (even though I always know where it's going in the long run). I'm breezing through it at this point and, now that I've reformatted it to be submission ready, it's actually up to 184 pages! Not that longer is better, but it sure makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

Been working on a couple of audition monologues, in case I get called upon for something other than a cold read, and I've also been running the five-minute version of my stand-up routine, which I'm performing Wednesday. So there are balls in the air.

That made it sound like I'll be juggling. I won't be juggling. Don't get excited.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 114 weight: Less than that
Total loss: The difference between those two

Beef Twinkies

2010-02-11T18:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've never posted a picture in one of my blogs before, but I figured this is as good a one as any to be the first:

I am now officially not hungry for either red meat or junk food. Thank you, picture of Beef Twinkies. You have made me desire carrot sticks. Bravo.

Okay, so I haven't been doing well on the ol' diet. Here's the problem - Tuesday was my home game poker championship, and I bought everyone pizza, pasta, beer, sodas, desserts, chips, and Goldfish crackers. However, I apparently bought enough for poker players everywhere. There was quite a bit leftover, and I have not done that great a job avoiding it. I should have just tossed it all out or given it away, but the other problem is that I spent so much money on it all that I felt like I needed to eat it just to get my money's worth. Make sense? Am I crazy? I mean - I know I'm fat, but am I also crazy?

Plus, I did not win, nor did I even cash, so I have been stress noshing. I really wanted to win. (Crunch crunch nibble nibble)

Goldfish crackers are killer, by the way. Would they taste nearly as good if they were not shaped like smiling fish? Doubtful. The very least they could do would be to include some fish oil, so at least they had some nutritional benefit. Maybe the makers of Beef Twinkies will come out with that. Goldfish crackers - now with 100% real fish oil! Throw a couple of scallops in there... you got yourself a party.

So I've decided I'm going to perform my stand-up... FINALLY. This coming Wednesday, at a little coffeehouse called Cafe Muse in Hollywood. Comfortable atmosphere, support of a lot of other aspiring comics, no one I'm afraid to follow. Seems like the right place. I have to trim my material down to five minutes though. And I have to not let that screw me up. Good luck, basketcase.

Oh, and I'm going to hit 100 pages in my novel tonight or tomorrow! SUCK IT, short stories and novellas! This one's going to be a LONG one! (That's what she said)

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 111 weight: 212.3 lbs
Total loss: 10.1 lbs

British Columbian Druglords

2010-02-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

The title of this post doesn't really mean anything, other than it being a reference to my trip to Canada this past weekend. I just think the idea of a British Columbian druglord is humorous. And I'd be willing to bet I'm not alone in this.

So yeah - Erin and I took an impromptu trip to Canada! We knew we'd be going sometime soon, but I've certainly never traveled internationally without knowing when I would be doing so at least a week in advance. It was a great trip - we visited her mother and met her mother's boyfriend, lucked out with some fabulous weather, and got to see a lot of beautiful Vancouver and Vancouver Island.

And we ate some food.

I could have been worse. I definitely could have been better. We did a lot of walking, and I did eat a lot of fruits and veggies, but I think a lot of their benefits were equalized by some of the non-fruits and anti-veggies that also went shooting down my gullet. There was poutine, for example. French fries and curd cheese drenched in gravy. I was actually pretty well-behaved in the poutine department, but you get the idea. I also consumed a few alcoholic beverages, which may or may not have been topped with whipped cream. And for those of you who are judging me right now, it's not my fault that there are things in this world more delicious than beer. Get over yourself.

And then, of course, there was Super Bowl Sunday. Ate a little pizza, I sure did. Not gonna let you make me feel guilty about it either. I needed it. It was too stressful waiting to see if the Bears were going to be able to pull it out. OH WAIT.

BUT. I'm going to the gym as soon as my laundry is done, and I'm back to my Omega-3 egg, banana, flaxseed supplement, yogurt, nuts and seeds diet.

Until tonight anyway, when I take Erin out to dinner for our two-year anniversary and I gorge myself on a plateful of gnocchi or some such nonsense.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 108 weight: 211.7 lbs
Total loss: 10.7 lbs

For the Love of Todd

2010-02-02T16:27:00.001-08:00

Whoa. Has it really been that long since my last post? SHEESH. Sorry about that guys. Talk about lost time. I think there's a decent chance I was abducted by aliens for a few days. I can't think of another way to explain it.

Anyway, I've cheated a couple times in the past few days, but for the most part am sticking to my new diet of mostly unprocessed foods, food containing Omega-3, etc. I picked up some flaxseed supplements and have started taking those (did I write about this already? If I did, apologies), and my eating schedule has improved drastically as well. So I haven't seen any fabulous results in the past week. That's okay. I know I'm on the right track now, so that scale can taunt me all it wants. I know what's what.

I've also been advised to start up my own website. A little portal to all of my writing, acting, blogging and stand-up shit. I'm thinking of going with www.fortheloveoftodd.com, but I'm not 100% sure yet. If you have a better idea, please share! (Please, however, don't waste my time with worse ideas. Why would I want to go with a worse idea than the one I have currently?)

I've been zipping through my novel (the one I'm writing) the past few days, and have also written a good chunk of the sitcom pilot my roommate and I are writing. I've fallen off the submitting wagon a little bit in the past week, but I'm hopping back on starting TODAY. I'm also going to start taking a little more seriously such things as writer groups, conferences, workshops, etc. Some are pricey, but there are also some that aren't, and I'm learning more and more that these are the most surefire pathways to success.

And hey! I've also been invited to write a guest blog on www.escapehatcher.com! I haven't written my first post for it yet, but it may be up as early as Thursday... check out the site, and I'll keep you in the loop!

Okay, until next time, keep it rizzle, my nizzles.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 102 weight: 210.5 lbs
Total loss: 11.9 lbs

WOOT!

2010-01-27T12:50:00.000-08:00

It's so much easier to write this blog regularly when I have good news to report.

The pounds are finally starting to come off, and I'm finally starting to fall into a routine of eating better. What I'm noticing is that it's becoming a lot easier to not cheat, which is the key. Had poker last night, and there were chips and pretzels and beer galore, but I just had a banana and grapefruit juice. I looked pretty gay doing it, but do it I did.

Tennis yesterday got interrupted by rain, but we're going to pick it up where we left off. I started out 1-3 - not so hot. Time for a comeback.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 96 weight: 210.8 lbs
Total loss: 11.6 lbs

A New Low

2010-01-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

Well, it's taken a lot longer than I hoped to get back down to my low (since about midway through this blog), but I have finally undone the evil effects of the holidays. I've now lost 9.5 lbs - a pittance considering I've been doing this for 3 months - but at least it's something! Plus, since I really feel like I'm on the RIGHT road to weight loss and overall healthy living, I'm feeling a lot better about where I'm at.

I've been trying to eat breakfast every day, which doesn't come naturally to me, and have been good about not eating for at least 2 hours before I go to bed. I've been staying away from products with white flour, for the most part, and am not eating nearly as many processed foods. And I've ACTUALLY been snacking regularly on fruits and veggies. My roommate can vouch for that.

Inspired by watching the Australian Open yesterday, we're going to play tennis today. My right index finger feels weird today though. I hope it doesn't affect my game, but if it does, at least I'll have an excuse.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 95 weight: 212.9 lbs
Total loss: 9.5 lbs

The Farm Fresh Prince of Bel Air

2010-01-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

Starting to make some real, serious changes to my eating habits. That book I've been reading has had an effect on me - I just went grocery shopping yesterday and bought Omega-3 eggs, unpackaged fruits and vegetables, stayed away from all of the frozen and processed stuff... for the first time, I feel like I'm on the path to eating better and not just "going on a diet."

This morning, I had 2 scrambled eggs and a sliced banana, and then snacked on some carrots, and then later snacked on an apple (that didn't come pre-sliced!). Game night tonight with a cheese tray that I'll have to avoid for the most part - there will also be veggies and vegetarian chili, so I'll try to stick more to that area of the kitchen.

Also, watching football and not eating chips, pretzels or pizza or drinking beer. Suck on that, average American male.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 93 weight: 213.3 lbs
Total loss: 9.1 lbs

A Real Stand-Up Guy

2010-01-22T17:26:00.001-08:00

I checked out an open mic night, and it was painful, as expected. However, I've been told that really the only way to start getting known on the circuit and, hopefully, to start making some money at this, is to just get out there and perform wherever and whenever possible. I'm a little sick at the moment, but I think I'm going to start next week. If I don't feel like I'm going to puke from the thought of it.

I've been reading a book called "Ultra-Metabolism" (thanks, Auntie!) and it's honestly helping me look at my eating habits in a whole new light. It basically addresses all the things we've always heard (eat breakfast every day, don't eat within 2 hours of going to bed, etc.) but it also EXPLAINS everything. That's what I've been missing... there are so many "rules" that we've always been taught to follow, but a lot of those are just horseshit, so I often disregard them. However, this book so clearly demonstrates how harmful certain behaviors and foods are, that I can't help but change my thought process about it all...

As I mentioned, I've been sick the past few days, and we've been in the midst of the worst storm in LA in the past 20 years, so I haven't been going to the gym this week. I'll be back at it next week though, don't you worry.

Still been writing and submitting every day - sure hope something comes of it soon...

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 91 weight: 213.9 lbs
Total loss: 8.5 lbs

Still Continuing to Truck

2010-01-18T11:42:00.001-08:00

All right, so the self-imposed tough love hasn't worked. Plan B: I will no longer beat myself up for not writing my blog every single day. If I do, great, but as long as I keep it up at least 2-3 days a week, I will no longer feel pressure to flagellate myself with a spiked club.

Things are going well in the food department - I've been eating very well lately. Most importantly, I've been reducing portion sizes and snacking, which are my big issues. Seeing some results on the scale, slow though they may be. But I'm almost back down to my low point since taking a bit of a nose dive over the holidays.

I was pretty good about working out last week, too - went to the gym twice, ran one day, and played tennis another. I was pretty lethargic this weekend, however (thanks a lot, football), so I need to get back in the swing of things today.

The writing has been going well, too - I figured out that if I can write 2,000 words a day in my novel, at least 5 days a week, I should have this mother done in about 2 months. I've been going at about that pace, so we shall see...

I've been focusing on the writing side of things so far, but this week I'm going to dig in my heels and start getting my acting resume out there as well. It's been a while since I've had an audition, so I'm a ball of nerves, but the idea is to get out there often enough so that, eventually, it becomes second nature. Or first nature - ooh, first nature would be even better.

I've also been working on my stand-up, and I'm planning to go to an open mic night tonight to check it out and see if it feels like the right spot for me to take the plunge. I want to make sure that my first stand-up venture is somewhere I feel comfortable, and am unlikely to get heckled and booed, and where they serve alcohol, so that I seem funny. Actually, looking for a place where they serve alcohol and I am unlikely to get heckled or booed might be tough. I might have to settle for one or the other.

Okay - time to get to work!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 87 weight: 214.1
Total loss: 8.3 lbs

Another Conversation With Food

2010-01-14T15:51:00.000-08:00

Food: Hey.
Me: What's up.
Food: Where've you been? I was waiting up all night for you.
Me: Well - I'm here now, aren't I?
Food: I could do without the attitude.
Me: Sorry, look - I'm sorry. It's just... we've been seeing too much of each other.
Food: Still? This again? We don't see each other nearly as much as we used to! And we haven't been doing as much of that... naughty stuff, either!
Me: Yeah, but... it's been almost three months, and I'm stuck in practically the same place. I think we need to see even less of each other.
Food: Are you sere?
Me: Yeah - I'm sere. I want to see just enough of you to get by. Anything more seems... well... gluttonous.
Food: You're foul.
Me: Well, I'm sorry but it's the truth. You're a really bad influence on me. Every time you're around I'm like, oh hey, there's food, I might as well go hang out with her for a while.
Food: Why am I a 'she' all of a sudden?
Me: I don't know. Seems less gay.
Food: Oh, so you're homophobic?
Me: No, I just don't want people to get the wrong... look, we're getting off the subject. The point is, you need to take a lesser role in my life. I've... I've been seeing someone.
Food: (clenching teeth) Who?
Me: Writing.
Food: Really. And does writing... 'do it' for you?
Me: It does, actually. Sometimes, when I'm with her, I forget about you entirely.
Food: Now I feel like you're trying to hurt me.
Me: No, it's not like that. I want to stay on good terms with you, believe it or not. I still need you in my life. I just need you to be a little understanding when I say I need some 'me' time.
Food: You know what, fucker - you can have all the 'me' time you want.
Me: Please don't be vulgar.
Food: You're one to talk!
Me: Why don't you just... just get in the refrigerator, take some time to cool off.
Food: You're funny.
Me: Bye, food. I'll see you later.
Food: Later, psycho.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 83 weight: 214.7 lbs
Total loss: 7.7 lbs

Enough About Me

2010-01-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I feel like all we ever talk about is me. What I'm up to, what I'm eating, what I'm not eating, how often I'm exercising... how are you doing? Let's talk about that for a change.

No, no - don't dismiss it like that - I want to know. You're a truly wonderful listener, I have to say, but this is a two-way street. Tell me what's going on in your world. Spare me no details.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 80 weight: 214.9 lbs
Total loss: 7.5 lbs

I'm Not Famous Yet

2010-01-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

Disappointing. A week on the job, and still no star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What does a guy have to do?

This is going to be a long, slow, laborious process - I can see that now more than before. Not just in terms of success, but merely in terms of getting things done. I've spent hours looking through the contents of discs I've had lying around to make sure I have a comprehensive collection of all of my writing, hours researching various writing contest websites, hours researching open mic venues, hours perusing Writer's Market listings and Writer's Digest articles, in an attempt to find that one helpful bit of information, that one perfect market for my work. And all the while I'm trying to get in hours of actual writing each day, keep up a regular workout regimen and start reading again.

It's overwhelming, yes - but I'm trying to compare what I've accomplished this week with what I would have accomplished if I was still at my day job. In that light, it's pretty impressive.

I feel like a writer again. Sounds silly, but it's how I feel - today I read a listing for a short story contest and I sat down and wrote a short story. Can't remember the last time I've done something like that. And I'm making progress on my novel again for the first time in forever. I can't say I'm displeased with my first week of self-employment.

Just need to find a way to make the money start rolling in.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 77 weight: 215.3 lbs
Total loss: 7.1 lbs

This Is Why I Don't Believe in You, God

2010-01-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

Because if you DID exist, then when someone gets all motivated and eats well and starts exercising every day, you would reward him by having his body lose a correspondingly appropriate amount of weight. But NOOO-OOO. You have to throw on a few more tenths, just to confuse the hell out of him and send him into a tizzy. Fine then. BE non-existent.

No, I know, I know - there's just some natural fluctuation in there that can't always be explained. It is frustrating though - I feel like I should be seeing some definite progress in the pounds department, but I'm still plateauing. I'm sure, however, that if I just keep up my new habits, there's going to be that ONE day where all of a sudden I lose 37 pounds. That's just how the human body works.

As far as everything else goes, I've been very good this week. I've been writing every day, have sent out my first screenplay since my new "job" began, submitted a book query for The Wellspring to an indie publisher, watched a 90-minute webinar on online marketing tools for writers, started reading through my new Writer's Digest issues, created a plethora of various spreadsheets and tracking tools, signed up on Backstage, and have spent a great deal of time responding to emails from people who replied to my facebook "event" by offering advice or suggesting a connection to someone who may be able to help me. It is this fostering of relationships that I have a feeling is going to be most helpful in my quest to make a living someday doing this shit.

The one thing that I most fear is going to hold me back, on the other hand, is Dexter. Dammit, that's a good show.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 76 weight: 215.5 lbs
Total loss: 6.9 lbs

Old Friends

2010-01-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

Old friends
Old friends
Sat on their park bench like bookends
A newspaper blowin' through the grass
Falls on the round toes of the high shoes of the old friends

Okay, so maybe my friends aren't quite that old. But I sure have known some of them for a long time.

Yesterday I created a facebook event called "Project Kreisman" and invited all of my facebook friends. The idea was to see if there's anyone out there I can use/step on/sleep with to get to where I want to be. No, no, no... in all seriousness (or as much as I can muster), I just wanted to start putting some feelers out there to see if I can get some leads on agents, networking opportunities, writing positions, etc. So far, I have to say, the response has been overwhelming.

I have heard from maybe 30 or so people, some just to say good luck or to express their admiration of my decision, others to offer helpful advice or connections. Perhaps half of those people I haven't seen or spoken to in 10 years. I think that's beautiful. Not just great, but beautiful. There are some things - some ideas, some dreams - that connect us and bring us back together, no matter how much time has passed. I was most myself in those days, and it seems that others who were most themselves back then were perhaps inspired by my message to recall it, and have been prompted to reminisce. I know that the past has definitely been on my mind as of late.

I did get a little writing done, but most of today was spent replying to emails. I already have a number of additional logs in the fire - book publishers, literary agents, fellow writers, fellow actors - I can hardly wait to start following up with each of these leads and see what comes of them.

I have poker tonight. Going to take it down. I need the money to keep this steam train puffing along...

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 74 weight: 214.9 lbs
Total loss: 7.5 lbs

2010: A Personal Space Odyssey

2010-01-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

This is awesome.

Today's Monday, and I'm at work. But there are no fluorescent lights giving me a headache. No polite, awkward conversations in the break room. No barrage of emails that must be tended to.

I am at home. At my computer. I have pushed off from the shore, and am on my way.

A couple of days ago I applied for unemployment. If that comes through, in addition to the money I have in the bank, I should be able to survive for a while before I'm faced with any harsh realities. Especially if I can start bringing in some additional dough from my writing, acting, stand-up... this could be quite the year for me.

I've been pretty productive so far at my first day on the job. The first thing I did was set up my gmail calendar, which I plan to start using religiously. Now that I have no office desk and workflow to keep organized, I can focus more on organizing my actual life. I set up a variety of weekly and monthly reminders, as well as a daily task list to keep me in line. I also created an Excel spreadsheet (SHOCKER) to keep further tabs on what I am accomplishing and on what timeline I am accomplishing it.

I got some personal business out of the way so I could devote the rest of my day to writing and submissions - paid a parking ticket, wrote some thank yous for Christmas gifts, sent an email about a job prospect (which I was declining, as I now work for myself), and hooked up and installed my printer. I also worked out this morning on the Wii Fit - granted, I didn't work out for very long, but at least it was something, and I can now begin to gradually work up to a fuller, longer, more consistent routine.

My work days will start and end a little later - probably in the range of 11-7 most days, although I'm not going to be a stickler about the exact times, as long as I fit in 8 hours. I'll start earlier on the days that I don't work out first, but my plan is to get to the gym around 9:30 at least 4 days a week. So here I am, with about 5 hours left in the work day, and I'm going to be spending it writing my book, emailing potential networking contacts, signing up on audition sites, and compiling a writing submission or two. God, I love it.

And I haven't been eating too badly, either.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 73 weight: 214.8 lbs
Total loss: 7.6 lbs

New Life's Eve

2009-12-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

Today is my last day. Tomorrow will be my first.

It's finally here. As of 1:00 pm this afternoon, I will be a free man. Free of the bonds of the 9-5 (8:30-5:30), free of the strains of conformity, free of the arrogant and hypocritical condescension of my superiors. Starting tomorrow, I work for myself. For how long and to what degree of success, only time will tell.

What an appropriate last day - the final day of the decade. This next decade is mine. I will become healthy - like, REALLY, genuinely healthy - I will sell a novel, sell a screenplay, stage my stand-up, book some paying roles, etc. It's the "etc" that I'm really pumped about. Sky's the limit.

I feel a definite transformation taking place in me. I'm getting back to where I was a decade ago, when I was young and enthusiastic and the world seemed full of possibilities. It's been a long time, but I welcome back the feeling wholeheartedly. I'm scared shitless, but couldn't be happier.

And I have the most amazing, most wonderfully supportive and beautiful person I have ever met to hold my hand and take the journey with me. I couldn't be doing this without her.

It's time. No more delays, no more excuses. Now, this time around, it's succeed or go hungry.

And you all know how much I'd hate to go hungry.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 69 weight: 215.9 lbs
Total loss: 6.5 lbs

Indiana Kreisman and the Lost Bagel Bites

2009-12-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning some stuff out of my fridge and freezer and found a box of never-opened bagel bites that had fallen behind the icebox.

Let the games begin.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 67 weight: 216.0 lbs
Total loss: 6.4 lbs

Forgive Me, Pizza, For I Have Sinned

2009-12-29T00:26:00.000-08:00

Great.

When I started this whole blog deal-i-o, I had a problem - I needed to figure out how to lose weight. Now it seems I have a secondary dilemma - I need to figure out how to keep a daily blog. Just one more thing I need to fix. Awesome.

It's easy to explain why - it was Christmas Eve, and then it was Christmas, and then it was the day after Christmas, and then it was two days after Christmas. Aside from the busy-ness of it all, I was consuming things I shouldn't have, and I knew it. And one doesn't necessarily want to run right to their computer and blog about how much one has disappointed oneself. It wouldn't be so easy to go to confessional if, instead of just that one priest fellow, your entire family and circle of friends were on the other side of that screen.

I'm going to keep trying though - that's all I can do. Hopefully I'll get the hang of this sooner or later. Time will tell, but I think the beginning of 2010 is going to be the start of bigger and better things, the 'bigger' not referring to the size of my ass.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 66 weight: 216.2 lbs
Total loss: 6.2 lbs

I'd Like to See You Not Eat Kahlua Cake

2009-12-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm mainly back on track food-wise, although I did have a slice of kahlua cake that one of my poker friends baked and brought to the game last night. It was as delicious as you might imagine. She asked me if I wanted her to leave the rest of it and, against my hungrier judgment, I said no.

Going out to eat with Erin tonight. I'm starving (yes - like the children in Africa), so I'm going to have to consume a bundle, but I'll do my best to pick something that won't completely stuff up my arteries.

I'm also TIRED. Took a nap on my lunch break today, and am fighting off another one as I write this. I am boring myself to SLEEP.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 61 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

The Stomach Wants What It Wants

2009-12-22T16:41:00.000-08:00

I actually did a pretty good job yesterday - I was no Gandhi, of course, but I did stick to just 3 Special K bars during the day, a Weight Watchers TV dinner, a few oatmeal squares and a little fruit. For me, that's pretty much the equivalent of a cleanse.

Done so-so today - I had a couple bad things, but haven't eaten much. So, okay, I haven't put any nutrients into my body today, but nutrients get too much press, in my opinion. Besides, that one cookie had a raspberry in it, I think.

I did get some exercise running around a bit today as well, helping out at work with a Video Blog shoot. With cameraman Rob, who is a giant prick. I hope you're reading this right now, Cameraman Rob. You need to get your head out of your ass. You're not all that, fuckstick.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 60 weight: 215.4 lbs
Total loss: 7.0 lbs

And On the 59th Day He Fasted

2009-12-21T09:51:00.001-08:00

Okay, so this hasn't been going so well. Holiday party on Saturday night, holiday party last night, and little to no self-control at either.

But I don't want you, my loyal readers (my parents and girlfriend), to start doubting that I'm going to make this happen - the fact is that, although I may have put a few pounds back on since reaching my low point, I am on the verge of a great surge in my weight loss efforts.

My last day of work is now officially 12/31, which means that, beginning 1/1 (how appropriate!), I will be away from the temptations of the office kitchen, I will have less money with which to buy food, and will have plenty of time and energy to go regularly to the gym. The pounds are going to come off in a hurry - I feel confident about this. Besides, I've put on less weight this season than I usually do at the holidays, so even if I am doing myself harm, at least it's less harm than I usually do myself.

So today I'm fasting. Not COMPLETELY, of course - I have a hard enough time not eating when I'm NOT hungry. But I haven't eaten anything yet today, and am going to see how long I can keep it going. Just a one-day thing, to give my stomach a rest and shrink it back down a few sizes.

But my, am I hungry already. Oo-ee...

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 59 weight: I'm afraid of the scale
Total loss: You're like a broken record

Just Barely a Blog Post

2009-12-20T18:16:00.000-08:00

Off to a White Trash Christmas Party!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 58 weight: Not sure
Total loss: Lay off me

Oh No!

2009-12-19T17:03:00.000-08:00

Oh no! I really, seriously, honestly thought I wrote my blog yesterday! I was thinking about it last night, and asked myself, "Wait - did I write my blog today?" and after some consideration I said to myself, "Yes, I did indeed write my blog today." THAT'S why I didn't write yesterday - not out of laziness or shame, but out of pure, stupid forgetfulness! DAMMIT!

Anyway, I haven't weighed myself in a few days, so I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy to not be in my office right now, with shit galore all over the place, I can say that much.

Going to a holiday party tonight, and another tomorrow. I'm sure they'll be fun, but damn. What am I supposed to do? Nosh on carrots like a giant dork? I suppose that technically I COULD, but I'm pretty certain Santa would be ashamed of me. I'd rather not take that chance.

I was going to ask Jamey this morning if he'd like to play tennis, but he had to go caroling. Oh yes. My roommate carols.

At least I got plenty of sleep last night. I actually took a 4 hour nap when I got home from work yesterday, which was... AMAZING. And then another 7 hours or so later on. So I'm well-rested. Well-rested and fat. Like my good friend Santa.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 56-57 weight: Does it really matter?
Total loss: Can't we all just get along?

No Rest for the Flabby

2009-12-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'm going to need to make some serious changes to my sleep habits. I'm realizing that my routine nights of 3, 4, 5 hours of sleep have the following negative effects:

1) Getting lots of rest helps you lose weight. I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere.
2) I'm always too tired to go to the gym.
3) This leaves 19, 20, 21 hours for potential eating.

Of course, once I am free of the bonds of the 9 to 5, this will be an easier thing to turn around. I still intend to be pretty strict with myself about putting in full days of work, but I'm sure as hell not starting at NINE, for Chrissakes.

I'm going to try to work out tonight - at LEAST go for a long, brisk walk. The problem is that I got 3 hours of sleep on Tuesday night and about 5 hours last night. So I'm hurtin'.

I'm also beginning to realize that Cardball - the card game I invented that simulates the game of football - is not as much exercise as the real thing. I played two games yesterday and barely broke a sweat. I did, however, improve to 11-3 on the season, so put that on your spoon and eat it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 55 weight: Two-hundred-something
Total loss: You do the math

There Will Be Blood Sausage III: Return of Jafar

2009-12-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

I am writing this post purely to fulfill my obligation to write three posts today.

There. I did it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

There Will Be Blood Sausage II

2009-12-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

I like the idea that this post is in any way a continuation of the last one. As if I said anything whatsoever in my previous post.

Things have not been going well on the weight loss front, I'll be honest. Perhaps that is why I've had such a difficult time making myself sit down to write - because I don't have any good news to report. I know it's the holidays, but I've said all along that I don't want to make excuses - there are plenty of people who are able to resist temptation no matter the season. There's no reason I couldn't be one of those people.

After getting off to a good start, I have now gone backwards a bit, losing a total of 6.6 pounds in 54 days. That's 0.12 pounds per day. At this rate, it would take me 4 years and 359 days to get down to 0 pounds. I'm sorry, but that's just too long to wait to achieve weightlessness.

It comes down to this - I NEED to write here every day. Once I started getting lax about the blog, my body started getting lax about not being fat. And I KNOW there's a correlation - that's why I started this damn blog in the first place.

So here's my New Year's resolution a bit early - keep up with my blog every day that I have computer access. If nothing else, it keeps me out of the kitchen for a few minutes.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

There Will Be Blood Sausage

2009-12-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

Again, not sure what the title of this post has to do with anything. I just like it. And you can't do anything about it, because it's my blog. So suck it.

As penance for me going so long without writing my blog, I will today attempt to write three separate posts to make up for it.

That being the case, I should probably try to keep these pretty short.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 48-53 weight: 97,848 grams
Total loss: .0022 metric tons

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

The Blog of Eternal Stench

2009-12-10T16:09:00.001-08:00

The title of this post has nothing whatsoever to do with anything. I just thought of it, and I had to use it. If you don't get the reference, you really need to get your Labyrinth on.

I wish it wasn't so dang cold outside. Yes, I'm sorry, my Midwest readers, I am indeed complaining about the frigid temperatures of Southern California. It's not my fault that you have chosen to continue living in such an uninhabitable environment. I moved my chilly ass out of there. And I have every right to complain, as all things are relative. So yeah. I'm freezing.

Kind of felt like taking a walk/jog tonight, too, so that's unfortunate. I'm mostly better, but I still have too much of a lingering cough to dare chance it.

There is a cookie basket in the kitchen. I repeat: there is a cookie basket in the kitchen. And it's from Cheryl & Co. RIGHT? Of course I had a cookie. I'm human. I'm not one of those bloodless, heartless, brainless automatons who can look at a Cheryl & Co. cookie basket and say, "Oh yeah, none for me, thanks." Whatever, robot.

You remind me of the babe. What babe? Babe with the power. What power? Power of voodoo. Who do? You do? Do what? Remind me of the babe.

Dance, magic. Dance.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 48 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

Damage Control to Major Todd

2009-12-09T17:10:00.001-08:00

Okay - my family and their delicious, sirenous lasagna are now gone, so I can get back to the business of losing my bigness.

I continue to hover in weight these days, which is not so good. But I'm feeling positive nonetheless. First of all, despite my resolve to not resort to excuses, it IS the holidays, and my family DID just visit. Maintaining for the time being is not the WORST thing in the world. But I am also keeping in mind that I will soon have plenty more time to be at the gym, and plenty less money with which to buy food. Talk about setting yourself up for success.

I've been back to eating healthier the last couple days, and my appetite has been lessened due to my recent re-illness, so that's helping things along. I bought a citrus salad I think I might eat tonight. Among other things, of course.

I just saw a picture of myself from college that I had never seen. I look skinny and passably handsome in it. I'm sure some of that is due to the fact that I wasn't a Baldy McBalderson back then, but there's no reason I could not someday look like, at the very least, a HAIRLESS Russell Crowe. It's better than a hairless Drew Carey.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 45-46 weight: Neither here nor there
Total loss: Wish I could tell you

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 47 weight: 215.6 lbs
Total loss: 6.8 lbs

Disneylard

2009-12-06T00:53:00.000-08:00

My family is still in town and I haven't spent too much time at a computer, hence the lapse between posts. I REALLY, REALLY swear I'm going to get back to doing this daily, but it's been tough to keep it up as of late. The fam flies out Monday morning, so I should be able to get back into the swing of things after then.

Yesterday we spent all day at Disneyland. Guess what they have at Disneyland. Rides, sure. Yeah, they have a few rides. But FOOD. Ohmigod - FOOD.

We stayed at a hotel near the park the night before and had a late breakfast before heading over, so I was thinking we might get away with just having one more meal later in the day, and I might escape with my caloric intake for the day still reasonably intact. But there was that ice cream place on Paradise Pier that does the different flavor swirls, and there was a chocolate peanut butter sandwich thing-a-ma-bob that I had to buy at one point. And I bought a coffee so strong that it required 5 creamers and 4 packs of sugar in order to make it palatable. These things added up.

I also downed half a turkey club sandwich with potato salad and half a bowl of Pasta Jumbalaya at a New Orleans place in Downtown Disney. We did a good deal of walking during the course of the day at least, but Disneyland is certainly not for the fat of heart.

Tonight we hung around my apartment and played games, but there was also a pizza that got ordered, and some of it may have found its way into my belly. Despite my recent slip-ups, I'm doing all right - down a few tenths since my last post, although I still need to turn it up to get back down to my low, which I'd like to do posthaste.

Tomorrow night Erin and my mother are co-cooking the rest of us a certain-to-be-amazing homemade dinner. Can't wait, but hope they're not planning to deep-fry anything. My self-control needs a vacation.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 41-43 weight: Reply hazy, try again
Total loss: Ask again later

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 44 weight: 214.8 lbs
Total loss: 7.6 lbs

That's What I Get

2009-12-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

I went a few days without writing a post, and look what happened. I gained back about a pound and a half. Well, it's my own damn fault, now isn't it?

Granted, only gaining back a pound and a half is not the worst thing in the world to happen over the course of Thanksgiving weekend. I've really made it tough on myself, starting out this diet with a cruise, immediately followed by the holidays. BUT - no more excuses! I was good today, and shall tally forth!

The cookie baskets have begun arriving in the office. Probably best that I'm off for the next three days. There were some peanut blossoms in that last one. Good thing nobody broke the plastic on it before I left.

And... I'm getting sick again. Excellent. Most likely due to the mold that must certainly be forming in our tenement. I'm tired of this - this being sick business. I may be starting a new blog - Condemn the Phlegm. You should go follow that one, too. Collect the whole set.

The fam gets in tonight! Any minute, as a matter of fact! And my mother has sworn that she brought no chocolate with her! I'll believe it when I see it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 37-39 weight: Not good
Total loss: 3 days

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 40 weight: 215.1 lbs
Total loss: 7.3 lbs

Damn You, Pilgrims

2009-11-27T22:46:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I was a pretty good boy this Thanksgiving. I saved up my points for dinner, although I certainly went well over my 35 allotted when the time came. But I only had seconds of a few choice items (including my girlfriend's record-breakingly good turkey), and didn't go crazy on any of them. I tasted a few different desserts, but once again kept the portion sizes very small.

It was actually today that was worse. I spent all day on set for a short film. I've blocked out most of my intake for the day, but I think there were chocolate cupcakes involved, and I'm fairly certain that some pizza made an appearance. I didn't gorge myself all day or anything, but I definitely partook of some unhealthy items.

We'll see what the scale has in store for me tomorrow, but yesterday I hit the 9-pound mark! That's half of 18 pounds! Which is an arbitrary number, but still very impressive-sounding!

Tomorrow I'm going to a hockey game with my brother, which should be good exercise. For the hockey players, not for me.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 35 weight: 213.4 lbs
Total loss: 9.0 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 36 weight: 213.6 lbs
Total loss: 8.8 lbs

I Saw a Koala Today!

2009-11-25T11:44:00.000-08:00

Oh wait - that's not me, that would be my fellow blogger, Nikki Klecha, who is in Australia doing and seeing all kinds of interesting things. SHOUT OUT! Check out her awesome blog: http://gratefulsparrow.blogspot.com/

It's probably best. If I'd seen a koala, I likely would have eaten it.

Actually, have been doing well in my efforts to undo the nasty effects of game night. Almost back down to my low.

Had beef vegetable soup for lunch yesterday (which looked like "beer vegetable soup" on the specials board), and a salad for dinner. Snacked only minimally on Baked Lays and pretzels during poker. Really only after I got knocked out and had the stress noshies.

Stress noshies. I just coined that. Dig it.

I was just thinking that I'm really in a bad way when it comes to trying to lose weight. Some people have problems with portion control, others have a sweet tooth, etc. I have realized that all of the following apply to me:

1) I have problems with portion control
2) I have a sweet tooth
3) I hate vegetables
4) I hate to exercise
5) I love bread
6) I love meat and cheese
7) I like to snack in between meals
8) I spend a lot of time in a sedentary state at a computer
9) I have crappy metabolism
10) I have voices that are always telling me to eat

That's a lot to overcome.

But overcome it I will.

Dammit.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 33 weight: 214.4 lbs
Total loss: 8.0 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 34 weight: 214.0 lbs
Total loss: 8.4 lbs

Unsalted Almonds Can Eat Me

2009-11-24T01:59:00.000-08:00

Accidentally picked up a tin of unsalted almonds on my last trip to the grocery store. Night and day, let me tell you. Salted almonds? A delicious treat. Unsalted almonds? Yes, I would like some petrified birch bark with traces of sand, that'd be great. Sheesh. Who invented this shit?

Anyway, didn't weigh myself today, so who knows. Ate better than this weekend, that's for sure, but couldn't make myself go to the gym. No good. Have to stop making excuses.

Tomorrow is poker night though. That's a good excuse.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 32 weight: More than a breadbox
Total loss: Less than a breadbox

Drinkin' It Up on Gumball Pass

2009-11-22T21:27:00.000-08:00

Last night was game night. We turned Candyland into a drinking game. Word.

I knew I needed to save up points, so I was pretty good all day up until people started arriving, but once the pasta salads and turkey meatballs and chicken tacos and chocolate chip cookies started parading into my apartment, it was Bad News Bears.

I didn't drink much, but I think that the little I did drink seriously impaired my judgment with regard to incoming comestibles. There certainly seemed to be a steady stream of food headed down my esophagus, and I didn't seem to much notice or care. And now there is leftover badness in my fridge. Thank goodness not every night is game night.

So I put a little bit back on this weekend, but that's okay - I just need to shake it off and go back to work. Tomorrow - banana for breakfast, salad for lunch, hour at the gym, light dinner. Let's do it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 31 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

I Know, I Know, I Know

2009-11-21T12:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Nice work on the blog, Kreisman. Way to keep up with it every day like you said you would. I guess this is where you lose motivation and start piling the pounds back on, eh? Can't even stick to a simple blog...

Well look here - I don't appreciate your attitude. You don't know me. Okay, yes - I've slacked a bit on the blog in the past few days. But I've been a tad busy, if you must know, and besides, I've been staying completely on task in the weight loss department.

In fact, your utter lack of faith in me is a bit disheartening, if I'm being honest. How are we ever going to further our blogger-follower relationship if you can't give me a little credit? I don't know. Maybe I'm being a little too defensive. I might have the same thoughts running through my head if I were you.

Truce?

Anyway, I went for a 2-hour, fast-paced walk last night. It was inspired more by a stressful day than the desire to burn off some calories, but ah well. Result was the same. I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back through the door, and that's what counts.

Did I stop for a bite of frozen yogurt halfway through my walk? YES I DID. But come on. Are you telling me I didn't earn at least a little treat? Jesus - just when I felt like we were moving past all this...

I can feel my stomach shrinking, that's for sure. I am now regularly leaving food on my plate, with no regard for the starving children in Africa. I am fixing myself smaller portions of things, snacking on veggies (sometimes), and eating salads routinely. And many of the times that I usually would not be able to resist nibbling on something naughty, I am now somehow finding the strength to look the offending party in the eye and say, "Not today, carbohydrates. Find yourself another sucker."

Mmm. Sucker.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 30 weight: 213.8 lbs
Total loss: 8.6 lbs

Short Blog

2009-11-19T00:06:00.000-08:00

I am TIRED. This is going to be a short blog.

I had some M&Ms tonight. I feel bad about it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 27 weight: 214.8 lbs
Total loss: 7.6 lbs

Hunter Freberg, Director of Stan Freberg

2009-11-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

I saw a fascinating comedic legend and his obnoxious wife at the Castle last night. Stan Freberg, multiple emmy- and grammy-award winner, inductee into the Radio Hall of Fame, famed voice artist, etc., told a pretty inspiring story about how he got discovered way back when. He hopped on a bus at 19 years old, got off in Hollywood, walked into a random talent agency office, inquired about representation, did a few voices, and was cast doing voice-over work in a variety of projects by some top Hollywood producers within 24 hours. I may have to try that bus thing.

In response to my mother’s concerned comments, I am, in fact, eating plenty of fruits and vegetables. I’ve been eating a salad just about every other day, and have been frequently snacking on raw broccoli and carrots. SO THERE.

Jamey and I worked on our sitcom pilot for a couple of hours on Sunday. It’s going to be slow-going, I think, as is often the case when you get together two people with very particular ideas about what will bring the funny, but it’s going to be a very rewarding process in the end, I’m sure. If anyone knows Jason Alexander, please have him give me a call. We have a part for him.

Coming up on the end of Month 1 of this weight loss deal-i-o. I really want to hit the 10-pound mark by then, but I’m not going to beat myself up if I fall short. I did just get back from a freakin’ cruise, after all.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 25 weight: 216.3 lbs
Total loss: 6.1 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 26 weight: 215.4 lbs
Total loss: 7.0 lbs

Shop 'Til I Drop

2009-11-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've been better lately about what I buy when I go grocery shopping. Now I have to start being better about how I eat once I get the groceries home.

It's always my greatest moment of weakness - the moment I unload all of that brand spanking new food. All those delicious groceries, just hanging out in my refrigerator, daring me to at least sample each of them. I can't, for example, try the salted almonds without also trying a Weight Watchers ice cream bar. It wouldn't be fair to the ice cream.

So yeah - have to start changing my habits in that department.

I drew out a 'Plan of Action' yesterday - a detailed, bulleted list of everything I want to accomplish and the means to accomplish it. This includes writing deadlines, writing submission deadlines, networking opportunities, a timeline to get my stand-up routine on its feet, audition listings, etc. Time to start following through.

Jamey and I just spent a couple of hours working on our sitcom pilot. Step aside, According to Jim.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 24 weight: 216.2 lbs
Total loss: 6.2 lbs

The Scintillating Game of Soccer

2009-11-14T15:29:00.000-08:00

Hey - not so bad!

I only put on a pound and a half during the cruise, and I have already taken it off and achieved a new low point! (high point?)

Yesterday, all I had until about 9:00 pm was a few hard-boiled eggs and a power bar, and I fit in a game of tennis with Jamey, which I won. I then met up with my brother, who had scored a couple free tickets to the MLS Western Conference Championship game between the L.A. Galaxy and the Houston Dynamo.

Most. Ridiculous. Game. Ever.

I had never watched a full game of soccer before, let alone seen it live. If they were all just trying to stay in shape, then bravo - I'm sure they sweated off a pound or two each. But as a sport, it just plain sucks, and I challenge anyone to change my mind on the subject. The final score was 0-0 at the end of regulation. And that's pretty typical. So for 90 minutes of play, nothing happened. THRILLING. The field was pretty though.

I did get the snackies during the game and later when hanging out at my brother's place, but the scale tells me that it wasn't all that terrible.

Have had a couple more eggs, some soup, and some almonds so far today. We're back in business, baby!

P.S. I didn't really beat Jamey at tennis. This was just my way of making sure that he's reading my blog.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 22 weight: 217.1 lbs
Total loss: 5.3 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 23 weight: 215.3 lbs
Total loss: 7.1 lbs

Going Overboard

2009-11-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

Cruises are evil.

Don't get me wrong - it's the best kind of evil. The kind of evil you want to jump right back into, spend more time with, get to know a little better. But when you're trying to not gain 150 pounds - they're downright dastardly.

It was one of the best trips I've ever taken, and I'm bummed as all get-out to be back home, but my oh my. Before you even get on the ship, US Customs offers you a plate of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream. You can hardly turn them down, not after they give you that look.

Then, immediately after stepping aboard, you are roughly grabbed up by four burly stewards who hold you down while a fifth forces breakfast sausages and slices of New York strip steak down your gullet, massaging your neck to make sure you swallow.

Once you finally make it to your stateroom, you find plates upon glasses upon trays of various carb-traps and calorie-cocktails with notes affixed that say such things as "Eat this or face the consequences" and "Imbibe this or perish." You notice that an array of security cameras frequently pans across the sumptuous buffet to verify that you are indeed following their instructions.

And so forth.

All right, so I could have done worse. I did make a number of health-conscious choices here and there, although they were far outweighed by my large number of health-unconscious choices. I ate some salads, steered mainly clear of some common pitfalls such as burgers, pasta, and sausages (had only 3/4 of a hot dog over the course of the 5 days, and they practically grew on the walls like ivy), and did exhibit some degree of portion control (only once went up for seconds at the buffet, and often left food on my plate).

We did a little bit of walking, especially in Ensenada and Cabo, but surely not enough to work off our food babies. Now that I'm (mostly) over my cold, I'm going to start stairclimbing and treadmilling the pounds right off.

I got home a couple of hours ago, and I'll be honest - I haven't weighed myself. I'm afraid to. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and get the bad news, but I'm concerned that I've put on everything I'd lost.

I'm just trying to focus on the fact that weight that is put on more quickly than usual can generally be taken off more quickly than usual, and gosh dang it I am going to make that happen. It's back to making smart choices and treating my body right.

But it sure was fun while it lasted.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 21 weight: Somewhere between 200 and 300 lbs
Total loss: -27.6 lbs, +/- 50 lbs

I'm Going to Be in Deep Ship

2009-11-06T21:45:00.000-08:00

Erin and I are driving down to San Diego tonight, and then we're leaving on our cruise tomorrow! Boy, is that going to be good for my diet!

My goal over the next 5 days is not to lose but to maintain. Even if I gain a pound or two, I'm not going to beat myself up over it - I would consider it a victory. This is going to be like an alcoholic trying to get clean in a brewery.

Anyway, not sure if I'll have the ability to post over the next 5 days, but if I can, I will! Wish me luck!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 15 weight: 215.7 lbs
Total loss: 6.7 lbs

I'm Writing This Blog Post on Codeine

2009-11-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

Please forgive me if this one's a little unfocused or nonsensical. Like - more than usual. I went to the doctor today and he prescribed me a cough syrup with Codeine. My head keeps wanting to hit the monitor. Keep it together, head. You'll be in bed soon enough.

I wonder how many points this cough syrup is. It's syrup, after all. That can't be good.

Well... turns out that was one heavy half-donut. I gained over a pound. But I'm trying to keep in mind that a person's weight naturally bounces around quite a bit, and I'm not going to record a loss every single day, no matter how hard I try, unless I start sawing off limbs. All I can do is be twice as good the next day. And it's not like I really blame the entire pound on that donut. I also had a cookie.

I know. I should be slapped.

It doesn't help that I've been sick and working out has not been a consideration for the past week. Once I start feeling better, I'm hitting the gym. HARD. I'm determined to become a beefcake, rather than someone who looks like they've been eating one.

In other news, I registered for a Writer's Market VIP package, which includes access to 8,000 markets, a subscription to Writer's Digest, etc. I'm ready to do this thing. Gonna be a famous writer, y'all.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 14 weight: 216.9 lbs
Total loss: 5.5 lbs

The Call of the Donut

2009-11-04T10:40:00.000-08:00

I just ate half of a donut.

I couldn't help it. I'm trying to assuage my distress over the situation by reminding myself that at least I didn't eat the whole donut. Or worse - multiple donuts. And at least it wasn't jelly-filled.

Regardless, I am now beating myself up. Can't do stuff like that. Or if I do, only once every so often. As pennance, I will have a salad for lunch, eat soup for dinner, and flagellate myself without mercy for 15 minutes with a cat o' nine tails.

HOWEVER. Other than that, I've kept on task the last couple days and have dropped another near-pound. Yay me.

This blog is really short today. I'm sorry. I just don't have that much to say.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 13 weight: 215.6 lbs
Total loss: 6.8 lbs

My Eyeball Wants Out

2009-11-03T13:11:00.000-08:00

Not sure why, but my right eyeball has felt bruised and sore for the past 24 hours. Did someone punch me in the face? If so, please come forward. No questions asked.

I racked up another 500 or so frequent matzoh miles yesterday with yet another trip to Solley's, this time to pick up soup for both myself and my girlfriend, who is now also sick. We'd better get well by Saturday. Cruise yo.

Just had a salad for lunch - went easy on the dressing. But then ate a bunch of almonds. Not a bunch - a herd. Heard of what? Herd of almonds. Of course I've heard of almonds, everyone's heard of almonds. No, I mean an almond herd. I don't care if an almond heard, I didn't say anything to be ashamed of.

Haven't weighed myself today, but I've been pretty good, so I'm not dreading the number on the scale too much at the moment. Right now, I'm finding the number on the clock more upsetting...

I keep forgetting to do my neck exercises in the morning and at night, but I've started doing them at stoplights. Probably freaking the hell out of the people stopped next to and behind me, but ah well. My neck comes first, the perception of strangers comes second.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 12 weight: unknown
Total loss: wish I could tell you

Changing My Relationship With Food

2009-11-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Me: Hey, food... um... can we talk?
Food: You sound weird - should I be worried?
Me: No, no... I mean, we just need to talk, that's all.
Food: O... kay...
Me: So, as you know, I've been trying to make some changes in my life. Get a fresh start, get back in touch with the old me...
Food: The old you was fat, too.
Me: Touche. No, but seriously, I think... I think I need some space.
Food: What?
Me: Don't... look, don't... freak out, okay? I still want to see you. I just think it would do us both some good if we took a little more time apart.
Food: But I don't want time apart. I like being in your belly.
Me: That's... ew. Don't talk like that.
Food: It's true. I can't help how I feel.
Me: You're... food.
Food: THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS!
Me: Actually, it does.
Food: I can't talk to you when you're like this.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 11 weight: 216.8 lbs
Total loss: 5.6 lbs

My Vitamins Are Confused

2009-11-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

So I bought a bottle of "One A Day" vitamins. Only here's the kicker - the serving size is two. Figure that one out, Stephen Hawking.

Well, I wasn't fabulous on Halloween, but I suppose I could have been worse. I had a few beverages, had a bit of crab dip and chicken rice soup at the Castle. The real trouble started when my friends Mary, Ryan and Ashlee and I left a party to swing by Ralphs for some snacks. We got spinach dip (vegetable), potato skins (vegetable), and mozzarella sticks (shaped like some vegetables). We noshed on those while watching a scary movie (It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown).

Side note: who did the kid doing the voice of Charlie Brown have to sleep with to get that job? He was truly awful - seriously. He should be shot. (I am only able to say that in good conscience because I do not know him personally. If I actually met the guy, he might have a really sweet personality, and I would feel differently.)

Still feeling a bit under the weather, and I unfortunately used that as an excuse to completely blow the day away. While watching football this morning, I entered a 1,482 player play money 5 card draw poker tournament online. I finished 2nd. Bummer. I had a nice chip lead heads up, too. Sure would have been nice to have my complete waste of time be somewhat legitimized.

I said 'somewhat.'

I just got done doing 10 minutes of neck exercises. That's all well and good, but now I need to make sure that I keep doing them. Right after I wake up in the morning, right after work, and right before bed. Don't forget, me!

I have prepared a submission to a literary agent and will mail it out tomorrow. Even if I can send out only one a week, at least that will be progress...

Speaking of progress, went in the wrong direction weight-wise yesterday, but that's okay. It was a holiday, after all. A holiday rife with temptation. I'll take it back off in a jiffy.

Went grocery shopping today - got eggs, carrots, almonds, a couple of salads, etc. Good boy.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 10 weight: 217.6 lbs
Total loss: 4.8 lbs

I Have $400 and You Don't

2009-10-31T14:13:00.001-07:00

Won $400 last night at a poker tournament/birthday party in West LA. Bet you wish you were me.

Funny how one's perception changes in a week's time. To be honest, I thought I slipped up a bit, but turns out I really didn't do that badly, and actually lost about another pound. I was good about completely avoiding the candy and birthday cake, but I did have a few chicken nuggets and a handful of meatballs (although I used a plate), and then another bowl of Solley's matzoh with rye bread when I got home. But I did a bit of walking, too, and ate some veggies, so maybe that evened things out.

Anyway, picked up some nice extra cruise money. If I don't blow it all on hookers.

Today is the Hall of Ween. Truthfully, I haven't been especially tempted by candy and whatnot in the past week, so I'm not super worried about that. BUT I do still enjoy me some food. And there stands to be plenty of that here and there over the course of the next 24 hours. Now that I think about it, it is almost EXACTLY like the show "24." Except, instead of having to thwart the efforts of a group of terrorists, I may have to roundhouse kick a renegate band of pasta dishes and coldcock an anti-establishment mozzarella stick or two. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

Have not yet accomplished any of the three mini-goals I set for myself this weekend, but dude! It's only 2:30 pm on Saturday - cut me some slack! Going to head out in a few to pick up the vitamins, then off to purchase some last-minute costume accessories, then to the Magic Castle, then to a party, then to the toilet, then to bed. I've got it all laid out. Tomorrow I'll focus on the neck exercises and the writing submission. And the Bears' devastating loss to the Browns.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 9 weight: 216.8 lbs
Total loss: 5.6 lbs

Healthoween

2009-10-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well this is going to suck.

No candy. No pumpkin pie. No biting people in the neck and sucking their blood. Too many calories.

Am a bit sick at the moment. Trying to fight through it, but felt pretty crappy yesterday. After work, swung by Solley's and picked up a couple bowls of matzoh ball soup. GOD BLESS THE MATZOH BALL. If you haven't had Solley's matzoh ball soup, I DEMAND that you get in your car right now and drive there. I don't care if you live 2,000 miles away, are allergic to matzoh, or don't have a driver's license. DO IT.

I did pound the four slices of rye bread that came with it, but that was really yesterday's only indiscretion. The biggest problem with being sick is that laying on your couch huddled under a blanket is 0 activity points. Even when you're shivering uncontrollably, that's still only like 0.3 activity points.

Okay - need to set some non-weight-loss goals for myself this weekend.

1) Purchase some vitamins. Consider ingesting them.
2) Research a couple good neck exercises, and do them.
3) Look into at least one possible publisher/agent opportunity, and prepare a submission.

There. That should get me off my back.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 8 weight: 217.7 lbs
Total loss: 4.7 lbs

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror

2009-10-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Erin, Mary and I sat around the television and carved pumpkins last night, and that's the title of the movie we watched.

It was for Halloween.

I'm not gay, mother.

Anyway. It was terrifying.

Mary made a caprese salad and Erin made dinner - veggies and some kind of meatless meat with spaghetti squash (or spaghetti SQUOOSH, as she terms it). Delish. Later on, snacked on a few pumpkin seeds and a popcorn ball. A whole ball of popcorn. Makes one wonder why they don't process other foods in other shapes. Pizza cube. Lobster pyramid. Burger tetrahedron. The list goes on.

The sandwich shop downstairs in my office building closed down due to a health violation, so that's good. If only every eating establishment in the world would close down to health violations. My, I sure would lose weight then.

Been good today - Nutri-Grain bar for breakfast, turkey sandwich and veggies for lunch. Haven't weighed myself yet, and may not have a chance until tomorrow. Even though I'm dying to know. Sadly, I'm not being sarcastic. I love numbers.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 7 weight: unknown
Total loss: ERROR

P.S. Beware of Manfred. He'll getcha.

Blog O' Sphere

2009-10-28T11:26:00.001-07:00

I just thought of this great alternate title I could have used for my blog. "Blog O' Sphere."

'Cause I'm fat. Get it? You don't get it.

Moving on. I went to Lido's yesterday, and had minestrone soup, a side salad, and one roll. Pretty good, especially considering the massive pizza that also inhabited our table. (It was covered with fungus, so was actually pretty easy to resist)

Did okay-but-not-great during poker last night. Had a few chips and pretzels but didn't go crazy. I did eat about a quarter of a cupcake, which wasn't a smooth move, but I still stayed under points for the day AND dropped a couple more tenths of a pound, so fuck off.

Going to be pumpkin carving tonight, so maybe I'll snack on some pumpkin seeds. OR maybe I'll eat a whole pumpkin pie. It'll be a crapshoot.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 6 weight: 217.9 lbs
Total loss: 4.5 lbs

Vegging Out

2009-10-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

Had a snack yesterday of baby carrots, celery, broccoli and cherry tomatoes.

WHO AM I?

There was, of course, some veggie dip involved, but a guy needs something to get all that nastiness to stay down.

Stayed within points again, and it showed on the ol' scale this morning. True - it's the first time since I started this blog that I've weighed myself in the morning (which I need to start doing), but still. Don't rain on my parade.

It was recommended to me by someone that I only weigh myself weekly, but that person (my mother) obviously does not have a firm grasp of how my brain works. By weighing myself daily, I am collecting more data, and more data means a MORE ELABORATE SPREADSHEET. That's right. I am going to get in shape via Excel.

I did go to the gym last night. 15 minutes on the stairs, 15 on the bike, 15 on the treadmill. Will start back up on the weight machines once my head feels in less danger of falling off.

It's poker night tonight - need to lay off the chips and pretzels. I should probably just go ahead and win, so that I'm not tempted to nosh out of frustration.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 5 weight: 218.1 lbs
Total loss: 4.3 lbs

Shrinkage

2009-10-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

My scale may be defective. Not that I'm arguing with it. But it's telling me that I lost 3.8 pounds since yesterday.

Don't get me wrong - I behaved myself pretty well. Subway, Special K bars, just a taste of frozen yogurt. But I don't think I was 3.8 pounds good. I mean, I didn't make myself throw up or anything.

Anyway, I'll take it. I welcome progress with open arms.

I'm also going to the gym tonight. I think I'm going to the gym tonight. If Erin calls me back in the next half hour and still wants to go, I'm going to the gym. But if she doesn't call or doesn't feel up to it, then I am definitely not going to the gym. There are a lot of stars that need to align in order for me to go to the gym.

Tell you what - if I don't go to the gym, I'll at least do some sit-ups. And then I'll eat a pizza. KIDDING. Jesus, relax.

Among the other items of lard I intend to discard is my neck pain. I'm not quite sure why I was born with a neck that feels like someone forgot to remove a hanger from it, but there it is. I need to research some exercises that I can start doing regularly to loosen it the hell up. Hopefully healthier eats and the gradual removal of stress from my life will help as well.

Vitamins would probably be a good thing for me to start taking, huh? Anyone got any helpful suggestions? I'm partial to the Flintstone ones, personally. But I know those are for kids, so... are there any shaped like the cast of The Office? I would take those. But I would steer clear of the 'Creed's.

I need to work my way from 12-inch Subway sandwiches to 6-inch ones. All in good time, my pet. It's going to take a little while for my stomach to shrink down to normal human size.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 4 weight: 219.9 lbs
Total loss: 2.5 lbs

Well If It Was Easy, This Wouldn't Be a Very Interesting Blog, Now Would It?

2009-10-25T17:13:00.001-07:00

Note to self: do not begin a diet immediately before trekking to a German beer garden for Oktoberfest.

Granted, I could have been worse. I managed to stick to one stein of beer (despite a number of my highly intoxicated friends attempting to bring peer pressure back into style), and one Polish sausage on a bun with German potato salad. I later did, however, partake of a good portion of the largest pretzel you have ever seen and/or heard of. Seriously. Take what you're picturing - now double it.

And then this afternoon I needed to drown my Bears-induced sorrows a little bit with a couple of cocktails and part of a (meatless) breakfast burrito. 45-10 the final. Okay - now you understand.

But I'm getting right back on track - I will not let this slight lapse transform into failure!

When I stepped on the scale today, before registering a number it said, "Err." Whether this is short for "Error" or simply my scale's way of stalling for time - not good.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 3 weight: 223.7 lbs
Total loss: -1.3 lbs

Dining Al Fresco

2009-10-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I was pretty good yesterday - lost 7/10 of a pound!

I even watched plates of Oreo cookie cake pass within inches of my nose last night and successfully resisted. I did get two tacos from Taco Bell later on (as I was forced to go there by two tipsy girls), but I got chicken instead of beef and ordered them al fresco. Look at me making sensible choices in less than ideal circumstances!

This morning I started counting points. I've had 15 so far today - tonight will be rough though, so I'm going to have to tread carefully.

Okay, I'm going to have to wrap this one early today because I'm on my way out the door to a drunken sausagefest! (Don't worry, Mom - it's a literal one)

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 2 weight: 221.7 lbs
Total loss: 0.7 lbs

What a Difference a Day Makes

2009-10-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Slight change of plans.

Without going into too much detail, certain circumstances transpired today to make it fairly apparent that, one way or another, I will not be employed at my present place of enjoyment for very much longer.

Huzzah! That's one of the items on my list!

I hadn't anticipated this happening so soon, however. And so, because I will certainly not last the length of the office weight loss program, I opted to withhold the $186 sign-up fee and instead set my money aside for more pressing purposes, such as food and shelter.

But never fear, my loyal one-day followers! $1,500 or no, I'm still going to do this thing! Same goal, same timeline. IT'S ON.

I weigh 222.4 pounds.

Here are some other things that weigh 222.4 pounds:

28 human heads
11 automobile tires
7 cinder blocks
2 fashion models
Arnold Shwarzeneggar
1/2 of a Welsh pony

In other words, I weigh a bit.

Here's the goal: lose 30 pounds in four months. (192.4 by February 23rd) I would ultimately like to end up in the 170-180 range, but I don't want to put a precise number on it - I'll stop losing once I feel trim and healthy.

I went grocery shopping after work today and didn't buy anything fun. BUT! My plan is to gradually brainwash myself into believing that certain untasty comestibles (such as all those in the vegetable family) are gloriously delicious. This I will accomplish by continually consuming the bland things until my body craves it and knows no other sustenance. I'm going to have to lay 100% off the bad stuff. I've tried in the past letting myself have a nibble here and there so that I'm not depriving myself entirely. Didn't take.

No - from now on my desserts are caramel corn rice cakes and fruit-flavored icicles. Once I reach a healthier weight I will let up a tad, but in the meantime I must go whole hog (like my breakfast this morning).

Tomorrow I'll start counting points. Hell, why not still use the Weight Watchers formula, even if I'm not going to be participating in the program - those people seem to know what they're doing. I get 35 points a day. That's like one sandwich.

Here's hoping I can drop a cinder block or two.

The Lard in My Life

2009-10-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

Greetings, no one.

Hopefully, no one will soon become someone, and then someone will become many someones, and this blog will get read. Because as many things as I plan on starting to do for my health, writing this blog is not one of them.

I am writing this blog because of the lard in my life. Sure, some of that is the literal lard - this extra person I've been carting around my midsection for the past couple of years, whom I am not even able to claim on my taxes.

But there is plenty of other lard that has been weighing me down - the lard of artistic ambitions that have failed to materialize, the lard of friendships I have neglected to nurture or cultivate in the interest of trivial pursuits (not the board game), the lard of an 80-year-old back that prohibits me from living the life of a 31-year-old, the lard of a day job I no longer find amusing, the lard of financial hardship in spite of living a more-or-less monkish existence.

It is all this fat that I intend to trim. However, in the interest of focus, I will be writing mainly about my actual lard.

It's been a long time since I felt comfortable in my own skin. And that's a terrible thing to not feel comfortable in, because you can't take your skin back to Target and return it. Especially not after you've stretched it out as I have done.

As far as I can tell, the problem is accountability. It seems that when someone asks me to do something, unless I have some compelling reason not to, I do it. But there's no one standing around, waggling their finger at me on a daily basis and urging me to put down that lemon poppyseed muffin (which are DELICIOUS, by the way). So I need to do it. I need to do my own finger-waggling. And maybe keeping a regular blog is the way to do that. It's worth a shot.

Granted, there WAS another impetus behind my sudden crusade to retire the tire. Starting tomorrow, my office is beginning a program to make their employees less fat and ugly. They didn't put it quite that way, but that's the gist. Once a week, some of the good folks from Weight Watchers will be coming into the office, loading us down with some brochures and point calculators, and then charting our progress over a three month period. If I can lose 10% of my body weight in that time, and then keep it off for another month, I will score a cool $1,500.

Not kidding.

Yeah, it would have been nice if I'd simply decided to do this for me, but... hey. $1,500. You can buy things with that.

So here we are. The first weigh-in is tomorrow, and I'm doing my best to pack it on as much as possible beforehand. We're talking comfort food from Mel's and ice cream from Coldstone tonight, then possibly an entire pig tomorrow morning.

I'll keep you all (e.g. nobody) in the loop on my progress. And, of course, my goal is to lose much more than 10% of my weight. My aim by the end of this experiment is to be extraordinarily fit, healthy and happy. So that it doesn't sting as badly when I have a night like I'm about to have.